“Ghastly, puritanical, po-faced, sanctimonious, finger-wagging, Woke-Witchfinder-in-Chief” Toby Young, Twitter

“Sphincter-poppingly angry, totally unamusing and uninsightful, and painfully, excruciatingly right-on. A bitter, politically correct member of the Remain-voting liberal elite. The type of comedy which is not designed to provoke laughter so much as solemn head-nodding and applause at the politically correct sentiment.” James Delingpole, Steve Bannon’s Breitbart News

““I seem to have been radicalised into a one man crusade against Stewart Lee and his fans. This will probably occupy the rest of my life but mark my words the man will die and I will try to be the one that ends his life.” Corbyngrad Mayor @SyedforLondon, Twitter

COVID-19 RESCHEDULING FUN

Let’s start this newsletter with the elephant in the room.

As you may know the world is currently ravaged by the Covid-19 pandemic and many people are dying who have never died before. Another unwelcome side-effect of this is that some comedy shows, mine included, may need to be rescheduled or cancelled.

On Monday 16th of March at 5.13 pm, Boris Johnson wafflingly announced that people should avoid theatres, but didn’t say that he would be closing them, like some kind of dick, which obviously led to a degree of confusion, and meant that evening’s show in Canterbury still went ahead, Johnson’s pronouncement coming out of the blue and too late in the day to address decisively.

Theatres are currently trying to reschedule some of the subsequent shows currently scheduled for March and April. So far, the Bexhill-On-Sea show, for example, has been moved to July 4th.
Please hang on to your tickets for any shows for now unless the venue contacts you to tell you the show is being cancelled, or offers you the chance to attend a different date. All this is currently up in the air. And please be gentle with theatres and those who manage their box offices, as they are trying to juggle the potential loss of months of programming, not just my shows, and the venues I play are on the whole run by nice people who really love theatre, music and comedy, as we largely avoid the ones run for shareholders’ benefit alone.

Please do not contact me or anyone who works for me about this. Please leave them alone and let them get on with the job of trying to reschedule the shows you want to attend. And no, I haven’t got my % of your ticket money. The theatres have all of your ticket money, and I don’t receive my % of it unless the shows happen. And I would have to pay an amount in cancellation fees that would bankrupt me if I unilaterally cancel the gigs myself. It is not possible to insure against COVID-19, so they are the best people to have it for the time being.

There is obviously a massive financial global arsequake in effect right now that means there are cash flow issues for venues, who have just seen a 93% drop in bookings nationwide. I will do the right thing by everyone in the end, obviously. You would also be helping the theatres to not go bust if you let them sit on the money you have given them for now, if you can afford to.

I am keen to reschedule all dates and, if they are in the far future in a worst case scenario, to remix the SNOWFLAKE half of SNOWFLAKE TORNADO so it addresses the comedy goldmine that is Covid-19. The shows will be filmed at some point – the arrangements to do so were in place but now need to be rejigged – but they will not made available to view until I’ve managed to visit any places that need to be rescheduled. It may end up a better show on the rebound as tragedy + time = comedy. (Too soon!)

I will reissue a complete list of dates as they stand a s a p, when the juggling is over. And I will be able to survive any temporary prevention of my ability to work live, but all those regular circuit comics, that are the beating heart of the collective energy of the world-beating British live comedy scene, are obviously taking a life-destroying battering from the current closures. And they are not considered ‘artists’ by the sort of bodies that will bail some creatives out.
There are many deserving causes in this crisis, but if you are a comedy fan, emergency relief is being crowdfunded here – https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/hecklethevirus.

Incidentally, someone claiming to be me has donated £20 to this. It isn’t me, as any donations I make to things are done anonymously to avoid looking charitable. I wouldn’t donate that much.

Don’t forget to see if any housebound folk in your ‘hood need a hand. I must go now as I have a temperature and am coughing blood into my hands.
There now follows the regular April newsletter, a sorry shadow of its usual self.

1) LAURA CANNELL
2) MUSIC FROM SHOWS
3) BENEFITS
4) I ARROGANTLY RECOMMEND

1) LAURA CANNELL’S MODERN RITUAL

I am contributing some words to a new performance by mediaeval minimalist the mighty Laura Cannell, at London’s King’s Place on July 11th – https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/

2) MUSIC FROM SHOWS

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME AFTER GIGS; “WHAT IS THAT BIT OF MUSIC FROM ‘CONTENT PROVIDER’ OR ‘SNOWFLAKE/TORNADO’?“. So, here goes…

CONTENT PROVIDER

PRE-SHOW Was mainly tracks from Bounce (2016) by The Beat, and Black Bombers (2016) by Black Bombers
WALK ON – Blueswater – Stew’s Blues.
INTERVAL
Yarasa Adam – Toz Hasat – DOWNLOAD CONTENT PROVIDER MUSIC HERE.
Kol Basti – Baris Manco (2023, 1975),
Turku – Erkin Koray (Elektronik Turkuler, 1974),
Mindtrain – Yoko One (Fly, 1971)
END OF SHOW – Fur Seelenbinder – Kosmicher Laufer (Secret Music Of The Easdt Germna Olympic Program 1972-83)

SNOWFLAKE / TORNADO

PRE-SHOW – Oh Yeah – Can (Tago Mago, 1971), Halleluhwah – Can (Tago Mago, 1971), Pinch – Can (Ege Bamyasi, 1972), If I’m In Luck I Might Get Picked Up – Betty Davis (Betty Davis, 1973)
TORNADO WALK ON – Blueswater – Stew’s Blues. – DOWNLOAD CONTENT PROVIDER MUSIC HERE.
INTERVAL – Auto Chip 2014 – 2016 – The Fall (Sub Lingual Tablet, 2014), Auto (2024) Chip Replace Live – The Fall (Live Uurop VIII- XII, 2014), Fibre Book Troll – The Fall (Sub Lingual Tablet, 2014)
SNOWFLAKE WALK ON – Home – Fixed Horizon (Nothing Beyond, 2019)
WALK-OUT – Stiff Little Fingers – My Dark Places (No Going Back, 2014), Dave Graney – Ultrakeef (Zippa DeeDoo, 2019)

3) BENEFITS HACKNEY HOMELESS

HACKNEY EMPIRE HOMELESS 20TH MAY I have programmed another benefit for Hackney Homeless Shelter at the Hackney Empire for May 20th, featuring, so far, me, Daniel Kitson, Rosie Jones, Paul Hamilton and Bridget Christie, with more to follow.
– TICKETS HERE.

4) I ARROGANTLY RECOMMEND…
LOADS OF EVENTS WHICH MAY BE CANCELLED DUE TO VIRUS, SO CHECK. HERE’S WHAT YOU COULD HAVE SEEN!

YOUNG REMBRANDT – ASHMOLEAN MUSEUM, OXFORD.
Until 7th June.

Mini-blockbuster focuses on the artist’s early years and makes much more sense than a vast overview would.
Witness the meteoric rise of Rembrandt, from his first tentative works as a teenager in his home town of Leiden, to the sublime masterpieces he produced in Amsterdam ten years later.
Beginning with his earliest known paintings, prints and drawings made in the mid-1620s, and ending at the moment he rockets to stardom in Amsterdam in the mid-1630s, this exhibition charts an astonishing transformation.

SIMON MUNNERY – WHAT AM I? Ex-Baldessare Gallery Bedford
February 29, 6pm to 9pm and is then every Saturday noon to 6pm, until May 9.

Simon Munnery’s stand-up has been called ‘the closest comedy gets to modern art’ – and now it has jumped that divide. The comedian’s paintings, props, jokes, videos, photos and archive material from 35 years in the business are going on display at an art gallery this weekend. The show, What Am I?, takes its title from a sketch featured in Munnery’s 2001 BBC Two series Attention Scum!, in which Kevin Eldon tears around a garden, repeatedly screaming the phrase at the sky.
Exhibits at the Ex-Baldessarre Gallery include the Self-Knowledge Impregnator from Munnery’s 1997 Cluub Zarathustra II show, a huge box with a powerful flash that burned the word ‘cunt’ into the retina of hecklers; his many stick men drawings; a film of his Alan Parker character performing for a recent Extinction Rebellion protest in which several of the crowd are arrested, and oil painting The Wreath, from his 2018 show of the same name, inspired by Sean Hughes’ funeral. There’s also a new film of Munnery’s own ‘funeral’.

Gallery owner Andy Holden told Chortle that although he’d been urging the comic to stage his first exhibition, ‘beyond that, there’s definitely a sense that his work is getting quite reflective. ‘Not only bringing [Urban Warrior character] Alan Parker back this year. But a feeling that he’s nervously looking over his shoulder. The film The Wreath that we’ve made is hilarious but dead serious too.  ‘The feeling is that he’s getting his papers in order. Which seems terrifyingly honest, though you’re never quite sure with Simon.
He gives a lot but always holds something back.’ Munnery won a Chortle innovation award for his 2012 ‘conceptual restaurant’ show La Concepta, which served art, jokes, riddles and dance instead of food. He collaborated with Banksy on his acclaimed 2010 film Exit Through The Gift Shop and has appeared as a spokesman for the enigmatic artist. Munnery also once sold a painting, featuring a joke about the Rolling Stones, to guitarist Ronnie Wood. ‘He’s thrown himself into this exhibition’ said Holden. ‘He’s really quite nervous about it, which is sweet’.
Simon Munnery:  What Am I? opens February 29, 6pm to 9pm and is then every Saturday noon to 6pm, until May 9 (from CHORTLE.CO.UK)

JOHN SHUTTLEWORTH. The hilarious legend of mundane musical comedy is on tour and must be seen by all people.

APRIL
1st Wimbourne Tivoli,
2nd Exeter Phoenix,
3rd Winchester Theatre Royal,
4th Swansea Pontardawe,
Tuesday 14th NORWICH PLAYHOUSE,
Wednesday 15th STAMFORD ARTS CENTRE
16th Sheffield City Hall,
17th Barnsley Civic,
18th Worcester Huntingdon Hall,
19th Bristol Old Vic,
22nd Hastings St Mary,
23rd Chelmsford Civic,
24th Stratford Playhouse,
25th Newcastle Under Lyme New Vic.

MAY
4th Belfast Black Box.

LEE RANALDO – Sonic Youth survivor ditches fuzzed-Laurel Canyon grooves to return to experimental roots at London Guildhall, April 7TH

BRITISH MARBLE CHAMPIONSHIPS, 8TH – 10TH APRIL. GREYHOUND HOTEL, TINSLEY GREEN, SUSSEX.
A popular pastime in ancient Rome and with schoolchildren, the current British and World Championship is fought out by teams of actual grown men in a game known as Ring Taw.

MAUNDY THURSDAY, APRIL 9TH. SADDLEWORTH MORRIS
7:00pm approx Road End Fair. Greenfield (, opposite King William IV – first dance out and waistcoat awards.; 8:30pm Boarshurst Band Club, Greenfield. MAUNDY MONEY DISTRIBUTION, WESTMINSTER ABBEY.
In the Last Supper, Christ washed the smelt feet of his disciples. Edward II washed the feet of the poor to try and show he was the new Christ.
Today the queen gives the same amount of specially minted silver coins as the age of the person she is giving them to, to some old women.

FRIDAY 10TH GOOD FRIDAY. LONGMAN MORRIS. 12:30 – 1:30pm Tiger Inn, East Dean BN20 0DA as guests of Cuckoo’s Nest Morris. SADDLEWORTH MORRIS Tour of the villages in Saddleworth. Gartside Street, Delph 11:00am;  Diggle Hotel 12:00 noon; The Swan, Dobcross 1:00pm; The Commercial and Uppermill Vilage 3:00pm; Hare and Hounds 4:00pm; and at the Church Inn 6:30pm and Cross Keys.7:30pm with guests Earlsdon Morris Men.
BURY PACE EGGERS. It seems very unlikely that the tour will happen this year. They have been struggling for numbers and a last minute resignation only weeks before the tour has put a nail in the coffin.
CHANCTONBURY RING MORRIS. North West Clog Dancing and Long Rope Skipping again at The Ram at The Street,  West Firle, Lewes BN8 6NS staring about noon as guest of Knots of May.
JOHN O’GAUNT MM. “Good Friday Morris Tour” Southport Sword Dancers and John O’Gaunt Morris. Other guest teams will be “Yon Lot” and “Stone the Crows” We visit: Milnthorpe (farmers market), Warton (birthplace of George Washington) ending up at Arnside.
WIDOW’S BUN CEREMONY, FRIDAY 1OTH APRIL, WIDOW’S SON TAVERN, BROMLEY-BY-BOW, LONDON. For over two hundred years a bun has been added every Good Friday to a collection of horrible stale buns preserved at the Tavern. In the 18th century a woman whose son was lost at sea thought is he baked a bun every Easter he would come home to eat it, but he didn’t because he was dead.
WIDOW’S CHARITY, Church of St Bartholomew the Great, Smithfield, London. Twenty-one sixpences were put on a tombstone for twenty-one poor widows. Today hot cross buns are given to children before the church service kicks off.

THE SONICS Inexplicably alive ‘60s Seattle garage punk pioneers return (again!). Have Love Will Travel, Strychnine etc.
April 10th Hull Polar bear, 11th London Shepherds Bush Empire, 13th M’cr Night People, 14th Birmingham Institute, 15th Norwich Waterfront.

EASTER SATURDAY APRIL 11TH. BRITANNIA COCONUT DANCERS.
Bacup, Lancashire.  Starting 9.00am prompt at the Old Traveller’s Rest, Britannia  alongside Stacksteads Band to dance the original boundary through Bacup and Stacksteads to the Glen Service Station in Waterfoot raising money for two local charities or good causes.
RIPLEY MORRIS. 10.30 Bakewell 12.15 Bull’s Head Ashford 2.15 Bull’s Head Monyash

EASTER SUNDAY APRIL 12TH.
RICHMOND ON SWALE MORRIS. Swaledale Tour starts up 10:00 am in the village of Muker, before heading down the dale taking in Gunnerside and Low Row before finishing off at 2:30 pm in the small but pleasant Market town of Reeth. ASHDOWN FOREST MORRIS. 3:30 pm The Laughing Fish, Isfield TN22 5XB.

WOLF PEOPLE Beloved acid-folk-prog hybrid’s lone date, London Oslo.

EASTER MONDAY APRIL 13TH. BLACKHEATH MORRIS. Noon – Outside The Royal Naval College nr. Cutty Sark entrance; 1.00pm – Trafalgar Tavern SE10 9 NW; 2.00pm –Outside The Royal Naval College nr. Cutty Sark entrance; 3pm – Greenwich Market; 4pm – Ashburnham Arms featuring the ancient chairlifting tradition.
CHAPEL-EN-LE-FRITH MORRIS. The Bull’s Head, Monyash, 11:00am – 1:00pm and Pavilion Gardens, Buxton, 2:00pm – 3:00pm.
DEVIL’S DYKE MORRIS. 11:00am – 12 noon – The Bull Ring, Thaxted.
(THE SUPERB!)FOREST OF DEAN MORRIS **** Newnham Clock Tower at 10:30am; Taurus Crafts, Lydney  11:30 am; The Miners Arms Whitecroft, 1.00pm; Beechenhurst Lodge 2.15pm.
TAUNTON DEANE MORRIS. Tour of Taunton Area starting at 10:30am  Taunton – War Memorial Vivary Park TA1 3QE; 11:45am  Halse – The Triangle TA4 3AF; 12:30pm  Norton Fitzwarren – The Village Hall TA2 6RQ; 2:45pm  Sheppy’s House of Cider Bradford-on-Tone TA4 1ER.
TRIGG MORRIS. Annual Easter tour starting Launceston Square at 10.30; 12 Noon Archer Arms, Lewannick; 1:00 pm Jamaica Inn; 2:00 pm Blisland Inn; 5.00 Lanivet Inn.
VICTORY MORRIS. “Almost St. George’s Day” tour –  1:15 pm Victoria Park Cafe; 2:15 pm The George, Queen Street; 3:15 pm Abar Bistro, White Hart Road; 4.15pm The Bridge Tavern, East Street, Camber Docks.
BIDDENDEN DOLE, BIDDENDEN KENT Biddenden cakes are given away, with a picture on them of the Siamese twins from 1100AD Eliza and Mary Chulkhurst, who died six hours apart, leaving 20 acres of ground called the Bread and Cheese Lands to pay for future cakes with pictures of them on them.
BOTTLE KICKING AND HARE PIE SCRAMBLE, HALLATON LEICESTERSHIRE A vicar throws bits of a massive pie at people, then two teams of people fight over beer barrels for hours, in a ceremony linked to the pagan worship of EASTRE, which the church tried to ban in 1790, annoying local people.
AVENHAM PARK, PRESTON, EGG ROLLING Basically, eggs are rolled.
BOURNE LINCOLNSHIRE RUNNING AUCTION In 1742 Mathew Clay left some land to rent which paid for white bread for the poor. Now the decision as to which charity gets the money is decided by some kind of race or something.
WORLD COAL CARRYING CHAMPIONSHIPS, OSSET, WAKEFIELD Since 1963 two local pubs have challenged each other’s drinkers to run a mile carrying coal around the village. The current and world record is 4mins. 6secs.

THE NIGHTINGALES Birmingham post-punks and subjects of our forthcoming KING ROCKER film.
APRIL 16th Exeter Cavern, 17th Newport Le Pub, 18th Wrexham Ty Pawb, 19th Bedford Esquires, 21st M’cr Gullivers, 22 Barrow-In-Furness Underground, 23rd Edinburgh Voodoo, 24th Glasgow Hug & Pint, 25th Hebden Bridge Trades, 26th Middlesbrough Westgarth, 28th B’ham Hare & Hounds, 29th London Lexington, 30th Sheffield Greystones. MAY 1st Leicester Cookie, 2nd Lewes Con Club.

MICK TURNER Moodists/Dirty 3 guitarist of Australian underground pedigree, APRIL 18th Café oto, London

HOCKTIDE FESTIVAL/TUTTI DAY, HUNGERFORD, BERKSHIRE, APRIL 21ST. Hungerford is now the only place in the country still doing Hocktide. In the 14th century Prince John of Gaunt gave free grazing and fishing rights to ‘commoners’ and so the town-crier blows his horn to sort this out at the Town Hall. “Tutti-Men” with flowery poles follow an “Orange-Man” around getting money and sexual favours from people, who get an orange as payment.

PLANTING THE PENNY HEDGE, WHITBY, APRIL 22ND. A small hedge is planted overnight on the beach and then smashed up by the tide. In 1159 a hermit was killed trying to save a pig from hunters and so the Abbot of Whitney said they had to make a hedge thing to make up for doing a murder.

APRIL 23RD ASH WEDNESDAY. WELL DRESSING, TISSINGTON & ASHBOURNE, DERBYSHiRE,. For 2000 years at least people have been wandering round dressing wells. BEATING THE BOUNDS, LICHFIELD CATHEDRAL, CITY OF LONDON AND TOWER OF LONDON A survival of pagan pre-Christian tradition of beating things with sticks.

FOLK EVENT INFO FROM THE MORRIS RING AND HISTORIC-UK.COM