Nineteen years ago now, I was asked to perform my standup high in the Colorado Rockies at the Aspen comedy festival, a trade fair for the American comedy industry patronised by wealthy locals. In super-affluent Aspen, I discovered, to my horror, economically uncompetitive service industry workers were homed in special “employee housing projects”, like castrated catering cyborgs from a Russian science fiction novel, sleeping in pods, dreaming of electric sheep. But today that system seems benign compared with the housing poverty of Sunak island.
In Aspen, the famous comedians were domiciled in luxury hotels. I was in a cheap motel on the edge of town, where I breakfasted daily with a quartet of equally undervalued underground comic book writers, regarded as witless savants nonetheless capable of providing content by the predatory industry vampires. Daniel Clowes told me the contents of his Oscar ceremony goody bag – the film of his Ghost World comic was nominated – were worth more than everything he had earned as a writer to that point.
The Aspen audience nested in the isolated Fabergé eyries of their mountaintop Frank Lloyd Wright villas, overlooking snow-capped peaks and quaffing the finest wines, fed by servants they housed in dormitories. Did they really need to be amused by my jokes about farts and US foreign policy? Anyone whose act goes down well in Aspen probably has to ask themselves what is wrong with it. Ideally, one would write a set so excoriating the audience would climb over their sun terraces and hurl themselves to their deaths.
Wealth and the arts are strange bedfellows. Keir Starmer speechified a good speech at the Labour Creatives conference this month, but it will take more than free infant school recorder lessons and an old man remembering proper music like the Wedding Present and the Juicy Oranges to reignite the cultural explosion that burned through postwar Britain and gave us the international soft diplomatic heft to erase our imperial embarrassment. At the moment, it’s barely affordable to be a doctor. Starmer needs to make it affordable to be an artist, because the value of art is beyond financial metrics. All that artists really need is a garret, a muse and some laudanum. When I moved to Hackney in the 90s, you couldn’t move for muses. Now the muses have all been priced out and gone to live in Glasgow. And Tory politicians have snaffled all the laudanum.
Most punters and performers at the Edinburgh festival fringe, for example, are now either well heeled, happy to camp 10 miles away and cycle in like serfs, or lucky enough to have a relative there who always goes away in August to escape actors shrieking about Andrew Scott in sandwich shops.
Top private schools have better theatre facilities than the entire city of Gloucester. Unlike Gloucester, Eton doesn’t have a cheese named after it or a famous serial killer, admittedly. But it does produce loads of famously cheesy actors, one of whom, Dominic West, got to play a serial killer from Gloucester with the same surname. Put down those puppets! The arts ain’t for you any more, peasants. Back in auspicious alpine Aspen, you could even ski after you’d consumed your culture.
I, of course, chose not to. At my first secondary school games lesson, I rejected all sport for ever, having been ritually humiliated for dropping a weird-shaped ball I’d never seen before by our games teacher, a former rugby international, bonding like a coward with the alpha males. He gave me no choice but to become a writer.
But I wish I had taken that one-off opportunity to go skiing in Aspen. Because within our lifetimes, obviously, the sport of skiing is going to melt out of existence, along with the snowfields that sustain it. Old James Bond films will be digitally corrected to show an out-of-shape Roger Moore wearing goggles and making snappy one-liners about decapitation while he just runs fast down scorched Swiss hillsides.
On Monday, one of the last lines of legal defence for climate protesters who damage property – namely, the beliefs of a defendant – was removed by Tom Little KC and the lady chief justice of England and Wales, Sue Carr, two of these lefty lawyers we read about in the Daily Telegraph, Britain’s worst newspaper. Juries must not consider the “wider motivation” of the defendant and “evidence… about the facts of climate change would be inadmissible”. You can prove anything with facts.
In the same week, the geophysicist and author of Hothouse Earth, Bill McGuire, calmly explained that mid-21st-century Britain will be looking at 46C (115F) summer highs and catastrophic flash flooding. It’s too late now to stop this. Hot enough for ya?
On the last night of the 2005 Aspen comedy festival, the writer Jonathan Ames, Hemingway in a green beanie, whom I admired enormously, declared he would somehow get those of us not important enough to have been invited – him, me and the comic book writers – into the private house party of the richest man in Aspen. Somehow, Ames bulldozed the door-staff at the mountaintop mansion and tailgated us in behind a Sex and the City writer he had charmed. In the bathroom, framed photos showed our host shaking hands with successive American presidents, irrespective of their political affiliations.
Twelve hours later I found myself drinking the last Beck’s alone on a frosted wooden terrace wedged into an icy cliff. I saw a cold gold sun rise, like Shiva the Destroyer, over a die-cut Rocky Mountain snowscape and I clicked the shutter on a Polaroid memory. Then I was finally escorted out by security staff, who I think had known all night that I, like them, would never have been asked to a party like that. I didn’t ski in Aspen. But I’m glad I briefly slid into the social slipstream and saw that snowy scene. I suspect it’s already less impressive and won’t last the century.
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter