Nineteen years ago now, I was asked to perform my standup high in the Colorado Rockies at the Aspen comedy festival, a trade fair for the American comedy industry patronised by wealthy locals. In super-affluent Aspen, I discovered, to my horror, economically uncompetitive service industry workers were homed in special “employee housing projects”, like castrated catering cyborgs from a Russian science fiction novel, sleeping in pods, dreaming of electric sheep. But today that system seems benign compared with the housing poverty of Sunak island.
In Aspen, the famous comedians were domiciled in luxury hotels. I was in a cheap motel on the edge of town, where I breakfasted daily with a quartet of equally undervalued underground comic book writers, regarded as witless savants nonetheless capable of providing content by the predatory industry vampires. Daniel Clowes told me the contents of his Oscar ceremony goody bag – the film of his Ghost World comic was nominated – were worth more than everything he had earned as a writer to that point.
The Aspen audience nested in the isolated Fabergé eyries of their mountaintop Frank Lloyd Wright villas, overlooking snow-capped peaks and quaffing the finest wines, fed by servants they housed in dormitories. Did they really need to be amused by my jokes about farts and US foreign policy? Anyone whose act goes down well in Aspen probably has to ask themselves what is wrong with it. Ideally, one would write a set so excoriating the audience would climb over their sun terraces and hurl themselves to their deaths.
Wealth and the arts are strange bedfellows. Keir Starmer speechified a good speech at the Labour Creatives conference this month, but it will take more than free infant school recorder lessons and an old man remembering proper music like the Wedding Present and the Juicy Oranges to reignite the cultural explosion that burned through postwar Britain and gave us the international soft diplomatic heft to erase our imperial embarrassment. At the moment, it’s barely affordable to be a doctor. Starmer needs to make it affordable to be an artist, because the value of art is beyond financial metrics. All that artists really need is a garret, a muse and some laudanum. When I moved to Hackney in the 90s, you couldn’t move for muses. Now the muses have all been priced out and gone to live in Glasgow. And Tory politicians have snaffled all the laudanum.
Most punters and performers at the Edinburgh festival fringe, for example, are now either well heeled, happy to camp 10 miles away and cycle in like serfs, or lucky enough to have a relative there who always goes away in August to escape actors shrieking about Andrew Scott in sandwich shops.
Top private schools have better theatre facilities than the entire city of Gloucester. Unlike Gloucester, Eton doesn’t have a cheese named after it or a famous serial killer, admittedly. But it does produce loads of famously cheesy actors, one of whom, Dominic West, got to play a serial killer from Gloucester with the same surname. Put down those puppets! The arts ain’t for you any more, peasants. Back in auspicious alpine Aspen, you could even ski after you’d consumed your culture.
I, of course, chose not to. At my first secondary school games lesson, I rejected all sport for ever, having been ritually humiliated for dropping a weird-shaped ball I’d never seen before by our games teacher, a former rugby international, bonding like a coward with the alpha males. He gave me no choice but to become a writer.
But I wish I had taken that one-off opportunity to go skiing in Aspen. Because within our lifetimes, obviously, the sport of skiing is going to melt out of existence, along with the snowfields that sustain it. Old James Bond films will be digitally corrected to show an out-of-shape Roger Moore wearing goggles and making snappy one-liners about decapitation while he just runs fast down scorched Swiss hillsides.
On Monday, one of the last lines of legal defence for climate protesters who damage property – namely, the beliefs of a defendant – was removed by Tom Little KC and the lady chief justice of England and Wales, Sue Carr, two of these lefty lawyers we read about in the Daily Telegraph, Britain’s worst newspaper. Juries must not consider the “wider motivation” of the defendant and “evidence… about the facts of climate change would be inadmissible”. You can prove anything with facts.
In the same week, the geophysicist and author of Hothouse Earth, Bill McGuire, calmly explained that mid-21st-century Britain will be looking at 46C (115F) summer highs and catastrophic flash flooding. It’s too late now to stop this. Hot enough for ya?
On the last night of the 2005 Aspen comedy festival, the writer Jonathan Ames, Hemingway in a green beanie, whom I admired enormously, declared he would somehow get those of us not important enough to have been invited – him, me and the comic book writers – into the private house party of the richest man in Aspen. Somehow, Ames bulldozed the door-staff at the mountaintop mansion and tailgated us in behind a Sex and the City writer he had charmed. In the bathroom, framed photos showed our host shaking hands with successive American presidents, irrespective of their political affiliations.
Twelve hours later I found myself drinking the last Beck’s alone on a frosted wooden terrace wedged into an icy cliff. I saw a cold gold sun rise, like Shiva the Destroyer, over a die-cut Rocky Mountain snowscape and I clicked the shutter on a Polaroid memory. Then I was finally escorted out by security staff, who I think had known all night that I, like them, would never have been asked to a party like that. I didn’t ski in Aspen. But I’m glad I briefly slid into the social slipstream and saw that snowy scene. I suspect it’s already less impressive and won’t last the century.
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube