Frank Dobson, the former Labour MP for Holborn and St Pancras, is dead. And yet his corpse seems to have been reanimated, purely to discredit the Labour party, at the incompetent behest of the bleary late night Tory disinformation-sluice Nadine Dorries.
The Keirgate Beergate confusion campaign, by the Conservatives and their slave journalists, attempts to associate Starmer in the public mind with lockdown breaches by simple front-page repetition of unfounded accusations. Its purpose is to distract from the government’s own well-documented and proved Partygate crimes and its broader ethical, moral, financial, social and administrative failings. It’s like trying to cover up the Great Train Robbery by pointing out that someone else somewhere else once said the word “train”. The best endgame for the fridge-dweller-in-chief is the criminally misinformed check-in woman at the hotel in Tunbridge Wells saying resignedly: “They’re all as bad as each other” when I ask her if she’ll be voting in the local elections. Job done!
Last week, Dorries circulated a photograph of Keir Starmer supposedly feasting on Indian foods during lockdown in April 2021. But the picture was cropped from a shot of Starmer dining with Dobson, who had carelessly died two years earlier in 2019, meaning it is unlikely that the picture was taken in April 2021, as if it had been it would have featured just a skellington with all curry on its face.
The so-called woke “brigade” was quick to ridicule Dorries for her mis-post, despite her dyslexia. Cruelly, a little-known dyslexia side-effect is the involuntary dissemination of photos suggesting people dined in Indian restaurants long after their own deaths and yet still the caviar communists sneer. It seems the virtue-signallers’ “sympathies” for the afflicted are discounted if they happen to be on the right of British politics.
Conservative MPs know there is no equivalence between Boris Johnson’s deliberate breaches of lockdown regulations and Starmer’s unproven breach of lockdown regulations. But they keep shtum, moral whistleblowing being a luxury even those relatively untainted backbenchers being punted as possible antidotes to the Augean filth of the Johnson years can’t afford. Instead, they cling to whatever passing falsehoods will keep them afloat, like turds floating down the especially frothy sewer of the Conservative party’s bloodstream. Sorry. Did I say “turds”? I meant “local turds”, in order to differentiate them from those other turds, you know, the bad turds, in Westminster.
The Tories and the rightwing press think we really need to discuss something Starmer probably didn’t do and shouldn’t “move on”. They also think we really don’t need to discuss a lot of things Johnson definitely did do and should “move on”. It is a textbook definition of cognitive dissonance. The entire Conservative machine is Norman Osborn arguing with a reflection of the Green Goblin in a full-length mirror, but with worse teeth and no exploding pumpkins. And isn’t it supposed to be a crime to waste police time? Meanwhile, the compliant house eunuchs of the BBC question Starmer on the Durham non-story while entirely failing to cover, on any level, the police raid on Tory peer Michelle Mone’s home, possibly in search of £203m of suspiciously awarded pandemic PPE contracts.
The Conservatives’ noble attempt, last week, to divert attention from their failings by getting everyone to talk about the actual colour of Angela Rayner’s actual pubic hair had already failed, despite its online amplification by hundreds of newly activated Soviet-style Conservative propaganda bots with plausible fake identities. Did Ada Lovelace invent the computer so made-up people could discuss Angela Rayner’s vulva, in order to drown out real people talking about a man who experienced a tractor-sex career fatality? No.
The constantly confused culture secretary Dorries recently promised that “the British internet”, whatever that is, will be the most trustworthy in the world. It could be, if she herself just stays off it. Especially after about 10pm at the weekends. And if Conservatives generally would just stop lying. Everywhere. All the time. Check out this tweet, so insane it must surely be deliberately stupid, sent out on Wednesday by Dorries: “The man who wants one day to be prime minister cannot behave like this. He has a responsibility to be open, honest and transparent with the public.” Meanwhile, the man who actually is prime minister can lie about everything for ever all the time. Parties; children; mistresses; employment figures; new hospitals; Jimmy Savile. Everything.
But maybe Dobson was eating in Durham, despite being dead for a number of years? Perhaps he did dine on dhansak and wine, while squirming Starmer chewed chana masala? Maybe the dead member for Holborn and St Pancras burned his beard on hot chicken madras, while beery Sir Keir scoffed spinach paneer? Did the deceased health secretary down meat biryani, while the Labour ex-lawyer just snacked on pakora? There are more things in Dorries’s 11pm Twitter feed, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy.
On Saturday, I bisected the moors between shows in Crewe and Huddersfield, skirting Alderley Edge, where legends say King Arthur lies sleeping, awaiting Albion’s hour of need. Like the mythical king, Dobson was a convivial character thought to embody Britain at its best. Perhaps he has returned in our moment of national peril. Is Dobson with us now, once more, like Arthur, in the dying land’s time of crisis, steering thirsty Starmer’s lip towards the lassi-filled grail of a parliamentary majority?
Confronted with evidence of a starving pensioner sitting on the bus all day to keep warm, by a suddenly significant Piers-free Suzanna Reid on GMB, Johnson merely took the credit for inventing free bus travel for pensioners, but even that turned out to be a lie. Let them eat bus passes.
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com