It is Wednesday night and I am camping near a West Country gastropub, to snaffle its wild boar wares. But though the unacknowledged pre-Raphaelite triptych in the local church still shimmers secretly in the shadows, the inn once so welcoming is closed, except for weekends, due to staff shortages, doubtless off the back of Brexit. And so I sit alone, writing this in a wet field without the pleasures of draft cider or the eavesdropped tinkle of merry woodland banter, the sausages unsampled. Will the misery never end? And who is to blame?
These sorts of privations mean top National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport Workers entertainer Mick Lynch presents a conundrum to Remainer fundamentalists like me. For Lynch is undoubtedly a Brexit arse of the first water. And all Lynch’s Brexit-voting members are arses too. How’s that Lexit working out for you lads? How was voting against the EU because you “support basic socialist policies of workers’ rights, public ownership, and opposition to austerity and racism”? I hope Nigel Farage sent flowers and chocolates. Boris Johnson must have been laughing all the way to the next ex-KGB agent’s son’s private Italian hilltop party. Lynch and the RMT will be first up against the wall come my Crushed Velvet Remainers’ Revolution.
And yet, as well as being a Brexit arse, Lynch is also the greatest British spokesperson for workers’ rights, and leftwing values generally, this century. His measured calm makes asinine fools of the usual tools dutifully dispatched to belittle his ilk – the BBC’s Newscast team, Sky’s Kay Burley, Rupert Murdoch’s Piers Morgan, Mental Vacancy’s Richard Madeley, Wheezing Badly’s Nick Ferrari and Anti-woke Wank’s Jonathan Gullis MP – simply by allowing them to parrot their gossamer toss uninterrupted, before courteously correcting them and then saying something drily amusing, which then goes viral and makes future Marxist guerrillas of millions of impressionable schoolchildren.
Lynch is too effective a communicator – on the value of redistribution of wealth, public ownership, public housing and the fair wage – to be allowed on TV. So you won’t see Lynch popping up in the fist-puppet BBC’s fish-shooting barrel much any more. But is it possible for an arse who voted for Brexit to be redeemed? Lynch, it appears, has taught me the meaning of cognitive dissonance. He understands how the proto-fascist Brexit Tory government are planning to exploit the ongoing wave of industrial action, in a way that the Labour leadership don’t. Strikes? For the proto-fascist Brexit Tories they’re a win-win situation.
You don’t have to have read Nineteen Eighty-Four and Animal Farm for O-level in the early 1980s to know how imaginary enemies rally baffled and frightened citizens. The imaginary enemy of the EU is about to outlive its uselessness. On fluffy Good Morning Britain last week, the Skeletor-faced travel journalist Simon Calder explained patiently to Brexiter Daily Mail div Andrew Pierce how the new need to check passports on the way into Europe causes delays at Dover. This will happen irrespective of whether the French like us or not, because Brexiters voted to end freedom of movement and then drank Wetherspoons dry to celebrate. I can’t go anywhere! Mine’s a double!! Pierce simply smiled and went glassy-eyed as he was shamed and owned, like someone grinning through an especially invasive colonoscopy, doubtless ready to spew the same nonsense at his next media appointment, but to more compliant facilitators. It’s a shame Remain didn’t have a communicator as good as Calder. No one in the red wall was going to do what David Cameron told them, the lord of the manor popping into peasants’ filthy cottages to wish them a jolly merry Christmas.
Even that serviceable imaginary enemy, the Woke Mob, may eventually no longer fly for the proto-fascists. Even your racist nan knows one of these transgenders now, who works in the Lidl and “they”, she says with comic pointedness, “seem very nice indeed”. And so the Tories have turned their attention to the unions, whom Liz Truss intends to “clamp down” on, the very phrase “clamp down” itself being a pejorative term suggesting the clamp-downee must be bad. You clamp down on crime, drugs, fraud, bullying, cockroaches, paedophiles and rats. And on a movement designed to bargain collectively for better pay and conditions and improve the quality of public services, apparently. Though I wonder where the “skilled agency workers” planned to break the strikes will come from, given that post-Brexit Britain is too short-staffed to grill my wild boar sausages on a Wednesday.
By refusing to meet Lynch, the multi-identity fraud Grant Shapps may force a long strike, driving home the unions’ bad narrative. And if, like the 1980s miners’ strike, it ends in violent confrontations with the foot soldiers of the state, and some unwanted benefit gigs by Crass, it is all gravy for the proto-fascist Tories. Bereft of actual values, each contradictory policy announcement designed only to maintain power, pitched police battles will only strengthen the strategy of division.
Keir Starmer thinks if he keeps his politicians off the picket lines where they belong, he may be swept to power, and he may be, but only in the way some cat shit is swept into a dustpan. The Tory press will attack him anyway. They broke Butterfly Miliband on a bacon sandwich wheel. Starmer may as well strip naked, paint his body red and run into battle.
What a mess. I wished I was cider-drunk and burping boar gas. But as I lay in the long midnight grass sucking Red Stripe reluctantly from a hot can I swear I saw a shooting star. Whoosh! And it’s gone. But a shooting star nonetheless. Not a satellite, no. And not a plane. An actual shooting star, in the northern sky over the A4137. Perhaps it heralds the arrival of a new messiah. Could his name be Mick Lynch, the Brexit arse?
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.