Pastor Isiah Ali Farka Toure Isiahsons is the General Secretary Major of The Allied Evangelicals, registered charity number 21232999axc56, who last week organised a Walk Against Bad Guns And Shootings in South London.

“As we have seen all over London this month, guns are a menace to our society, and the Church should do something about this. That is why I organised the Walk Against Bad Guns And Shootings, from Peckham to Brixton, last week. Protesting against Bad Guns And Shootings has been high up on our ‘to do’ list for a while now, but this year we have also had to march against the Sexual Orientation Regulations act also. If an Allied Evangelicals member, perhaps running a seaside bed and breakfast, wants to refuse admission to two homosexuals, in case they do sodomy in the box room, I believe it is up to them, and so this Bad Guns And Shootings thing took us by surprise.

Sometime I wake up in the morning and I can’t decide what I think is most dangerous to our society. Is it equal rights for homosexuals? Or is it guns and shootings? It is a tough call I am sure you will agree. But just because a man finds himself living in a cesspit, that is no reason not to try and make a rope ladder from his own hair. Unless the man is a homosexual and perhaps likes living in the cesspit. Then we would have to love him for that, at the same time as praying together every day that he would climb out of the cesspit of his own volition, having perhaps already tried to lure him out with fairy cakes, pansies and the threat of eternal damnation.

When I am confused like this about the rights and wrongs of issues, I get down on my two knees in my office, and I pray to the Lord God Almighty for help. ‘What is worse?,’ I asked him, last Sunday, ‘That a young man be shot dead, or that two homosexuals do sodomy in a seaside bed and breakfast, against the wishes of the Allied Evangelical letting out the room, who then has to sit downstairs imaging what they are doing in their quagmire, and being sick, probably?’ The Lord was silent, which I think indicates the complexity of the issue, but I needed to know. I felt like I was in quicksand. What needed to be marched against most? Bullets shooting out of a gun? Or seed shooting out of a homosexual in a place where it was not wanted, such as a seaside bed and breakfast owned by a member of the Allied Evangelicals?

Then there was a knock at my door. I knew it would be an answer to my prayer, the lord showing me a way out of the swampy quicksandy quagmirey cesspit into which I had been led by the homosexuals and the bad guns. I leaped up off my two knees and ran to the door. Outside in the street was a strange sight – an enormous pink gun, six feet tall in its high heels, with two long stocking clad legs, was dancing to a Scissor Sisters record and waving a copy of the Sexual Orientation Regulations act in my face with its alluring, manicured fingers. I realised, that against all my better judgement, I was in love. I couldn’t fight the feeling. So I closed the door, and went inside. Then I ate an entire packet of biscuits, and renounced my faith. That’s the thing about life! You never know what might be just around the corner.

Pastor Isiah Ali Farka Toure Isiahsons was talking to Stewart Lee