Like so many of my generation, I came to London in the mid-Seventies in search of sensation; the legendary Hope And Anchor pub rock scene of The Feelgoods and Ducks Deluxe; the then exotic delights of London’s take-away food community, Italian Pizza, Indian Curry, Kentucky chicken, and Chinese Chinese; the availability of cheap speed; and, above all, the lure of a London Christmas.
For was it not Brinsley Schwarz himself who said, “‘If an epicure could remove by a wish in quest of sensual gratification, wherever he had Eastered, he would then Christmas in London.”
But even in the Seventies, so many of the London Christmas traditions that had duffed Dickens’ plum were fading. My first London yule, Graham Parker of The Rumour took me to see The Hackney Christmas Rat.
Every December 23rd the Hackney Christmas Rat would poke his head up from an open sewer on Downs Rd and indicate, through a display of interpretive retching, whether the children of Hackney had been naughty or nice. If nice, the rat would have spiced urinal cakes flung at him by Pearly Kings.
If naughty, his head would be blown off with a sawn-off shotgun, Sweeny-style. In ’76, it was curtains for the Christmas rat.
Wired to fuck in purple flares and white plimsoles, Parker laughed so hard he dropped his peshwari and blew warm Truman’s down his whizzy konk!
Sometime between Christmas and New Year ’78 and I’m on Westminster Bridge with The Kursaal Flyers, awaiting the passing of the Danish Arse Barge. 9th century viking connections meant that, each year, the Danish embassy sent a slow moving torch-lit barge along the river, festooned with elderly Danes dressed as Thor and Odin, elegantly and inexpressively baring their bottoms to the accompaniment of sombre bassoon music.
Rugby jumper-ed and thoroughly ripped one Will Birch, soon to leave The Flyers for The Records, was so amused he spewed a Directors into the river and lost a spring roll and a schnozwrap over the railings.
I have guzzled ampheto-nog at The Nashville with Kilburn And The Highroads, and dressed up as Tiny Tim with Eggs Over Easy for the Massed Camden Limp, fuzzed on Fuller’s and whites. But those days are gone.
What have you got, kids? The Saturdays singing so-called R’n’B on Oxford Street, you barely buzzed on alco-pops and plant-food, and Hyde Park full of fake German fairgrounds, like pre-punk never happened.
Merry Christmas London 2011.
You’re welcome to it.
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian