Half term comes round again, like the tolling of a graveyard bell. From the Midlands and the South, bowed and cowed, the hopeful parent horde crawls west in hatchbacks and people carriers, in search of a glimpse of the normality they enjoyed before they gave birth, in search a great gleaming myth. It flickers at the horizon of consciousness, where sun, sea, and sand meet in a landscape made of ashes and memories. It is the child-friendly hotel. And it does not really exist.
The child friendly hotel has a ball pool and a soft play area, where impotent dads sit at the fringes of the action and show each other pointless apps on their i-pads, a primitive territorial display disguised as something sophisticated by virtue of its use of stylised technology; the child friendly hotel has a children’s dining room, where really rather nice children’s meals are served from a counter, but the smarter kids know they’re being patronized and won’t play ball.
The child friendly hotel has an hour long overlap between six and seven, when the bar briefly opens out into the communal area, where really rather good wild animal displays by trained handlers keep the kids quiet, and you can do two pints minimum of 5% local brew with some other balding sexless loser, before putting the infants to bed, except you can’t even have a decent argument about football scores or chart positions or history with anyone any more because all the other dads have got fact-checking apps on their i-phones and all speculative small talk is instantly closed down by their annoying access to accuracy.
The child friendly hotel has enticing evening menus, fine dining style dinners, inexactly approximated en masse, but entirely adequate all the same; a collective memory of something you all might have eaten at leisure before the kids came, steamed this and pan fried that and wine to go with it. But what to do with the children, who can’t come in, as they will flick fennel around and fight?
There’s a listening service, and reception will contact you if there’s a stirring sound upstairs, and mums and dads snatch a few moments over a table crowned with a glowing pager, like the Bat Signal, calling Bruce Wayne away from dinner with the glamorous Selina Kyle.
But all the nervous parents know there’s no-one on the hotel front door, and anybody could get up stairs, knock at your room, claim to be a friend of mum and dad, and make off with your kids, but these frazzled breeders just want two hours alone, and prop up the bar convincing each other it’s all perfectly safe. Meanwhile, upstairs, their sleeping kids are shelf-stacked in their beds, saleable items in a bogeyman’s all night supermarket dreamscape.
You imagine, fondly, that you are an individual. But the child-friendly hotel tells you you are nothing, one of millions of toddler-parents, sleepwalking identically in mass formation towards the teenage years, when your offspring will no longer require moment to moment supervision, and will go away instead and try to get served in rural pubs, whilst despising you and everything you stand for.
But then one day, the cloud lifts, and it stops raining, and the beautiful kids are playing on a sandy beach, dabbling in the rock pools, digging sandcastles, and pointing excitedly at troop carrier aircraft bringing back surviving afghan war servicemen to some remote moorland military installation. It’s like your own memory of a holiday, in the seventies, when there were still butterflies and wild birds and morris dancers and mackrel. And you’ve got half a buzz from half a pint of Doom Bar at lunchtime, and someone else is cooking dinner, and your wife looks pretty good in a kagoul, and it doesn’t seem so bad.
And by day six you’ve hit a rhythm and the ball pool and the dinners make it all seem somehow do-able after all, but then it’s time to go. And on the way back the boy says he’s glad to be going home, because that’s where his toys and his friends are. And next school holidays, can we please just stay there, and not at the child-friendly hotel.
Stewart Lee Is currently on tour with his new show Carpet Remnant World www.stewartlee.co.uk
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter