Like so many of my generation, I came to London in the mid-Seventies in search of sensation; the legendary Hope And Anchor pub rock scene of The Feelgoods and Ducks Deluxe; the then exotic delights of London’s take-away food community, Italian Pizza, Indian Curry, Kentucky chicken, and Chinese Chinese; the availability of cheap speed; and, above all, the lure of a London Christmas.
For was it not Brinsley Schwarz himself who said, “‘If an epicure could remove by a wish in quest of sensual gratification, wherever he had Eastered, he would then Christmas in London.”
But even in the Seventies, so many of the London Christmas traditions that had duffed Dickens’ plum were fading. My first London yule, Graham Parker of The Rumour took me to see The Hackney Christmas Rat.
Every December 23rd the Hackney Christmas Rat would poke his head up from an open sewer on Downs Rd and indicate, through a display of interpretive retching, whether the children of Hackney had been naughty or nice. If nice, the rat would have spiced urinal cakes flung at him by Pearly Kings.
If naughty, his head would be blown off with a sawn-off shotgun, Sweeny-style. In ’76, it was curtains for the Christmas rat.
Wired to fuck in purple flares and white plimsoles, Parker laughed so hard he dropped his peshwari and blew warm Truman’s down his whizzy konk!
Sometime between Christmas and New Year ’78 and I’m on Westminster Bridge with The Kursaal Flyers, awaiting the passing of the Danish Arse Barge. 9th century viking connections meant that, each year, the Danish embassy sent a slow moving torch-lit barge along the river, festooned with elderly Danes dressed as Thor and Odin, elegantly and inexpressively baring their bottoms to the accompaniment of sombre bassoon music.
Rugby jumper-ed and thoroughly ripped one Will Birch, soon to leave The Flyers for The Records, was so amused he spewed a Directors into the river and lost a spring roll and a schnozwrap over the railings.
I have guzzled ampheto-nog at The Nashville with Kilburn And The Highroads, and dressed up as Tiny Tim with Eggs Over Easy for the Massed Camden Limp, fuzzed on Fuller’s and whites. But those days are gone.
What have you got, kids? The Saturdays singing so-called R’n’B on Oxford Street, you barely buzzed on alco-pops and plant-food, and Hyde Park full of fake German fairgrounds, like pre-punk never happened.
Merry Christmas London 2011.
You’re welcome to it.
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.