On Wednesday night the infinite number of monkeys that usually write the editorial for the Daily Mail had fallen victim en masse to the zika virus. And so, having made something of a name for myself in Fleet Street, having filled in for David Mitchell here these past few months, I was called in at short notice to articulate a Daily Mail front-page question of profound significance to our destiny as a sovereign nation.
A nation, let us not forget, with justifiable and fair provision for successful businesses to establish their principal trading bases in Bermuda and Jersey.
Yea, I was to ask indeed a question significant profoundly also unto the fate of our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren and Michael Caine.
Whom wilst spakey for England? And, of course, by “England”, like Leo Amery MP in 1939, I meant the whole of the United Kingdom, although I did suggest to the paper’s proprietor, Viscount Biscuit, that the Scottish Daily Mail’s cover should not perhaps, in the current climate, feature the words “Whom Wilst Spakey For England” in massive letters.
So instead, Biscuit raided the padlocked underground safe where the imaginary photos of the magician’s excited dog are kept to provide a picture of Simon Cowell staring woefully into Cheryl Fernandez-Versini’s ear.
Nonetheless. I was to ask again. Whom wilst spakey for England?
And again askest I. Whom wilst spakey for England?
It was a question inspired by one of the most dramatic moments in the history of journalism.
The date was 2 February, 2016, the day after David Cameron returned from Europe, having just made an ambivalent statement regarding spurious migrants’ benefits, and waving a draft agreement from Brussels, saying to anyone who would listen, “I have in my hand a piece of paper.”
Next door to Harrods, the Daily Mail’s editor Paul Dacre was incensed and bellowed across the Tardis-like dimension-defying pen wherein his infinite and comatose monkeys slept: “Whom Wilst Spakey For England?”
And so, with my help, he hoped the entire front page of Thursday’s Daily Mail would do just that, voicing anger over the premier’s reluctance to enforce new obligations to Brussels, as surely as Neville Chamberlain had failed to constrain the paper’s old friend Adolf Hitler, chancellor of Nazi Germany, in 1939.
I was not, of course, to suggest there were any parallels whatever between the Nazis and the EU. Indeed, the Daily Mail would argue that one of the Union’s great achievements, along with Nato, has been to foster peace in Europe.
But I did realise it would play well with my temporary Daily Mail paymasters if I could somehow create the association of the EU and the Nazis in the subconscious minds of my readers, without appearing to endorse the idea officially.
But, I was prepared to suggest for money, just as in 1939, we were once more at a crossroads in our island history, and hopefully not at a roundabout, where all the exits have been blocked off, except the one where you have to go into a Euro-style cafe and be force fed accurately measured Toulouse sausages by women in French maid’s outfits and Islamic veils.
Whom wilst spakey for England?
In the small hours of Wednesday night I sat high above Kensington High Street and looked at the sleeping, sweating monkeys. And I knew that if I could pull off this front page, I could have their jobs. And if Viscount Biscuit paid me only a fraction of their daily monkey banana bill, I would still be rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Now was the time to write the most brilliantly incendiary front page ever, driving billions through the Daily Mail’s website, both those in furious, bewildered agreement and those who would be clicking through only to check if my insane opinion was for real.
Now was the moment and the moment was now. For in perhaps as little as 20 weeks’ time, ill-informed voters, stuffed with incoherent arguments, like hissing geese force-fed nostalgia and hate to produce an inedible pâté of groundless opinion, would be asked to decide nothing less than what sort of country we want to live in and bequeath to those who come after us.
Our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren and Michael Caine.
Whom wilst spakey for England? I would ask again. And again. Whom wilst spakey for England?
But could I write the inflammatory piece that would secure my financial future? Could I live with myself if I consolidated the Daily Mail’s case? Could I sleep soundly if my ambition tossed those infinite monkeys on to an infinite heap of banana skins?
Would our liberty, security and prosperity be better assured by submitting to a statist, unelected bureaucracy in Brussels, accepting the will of unaccountable judges and linking our destiny with that of a sclerotic Europe that tries to achieve the impossible by uniting countries as diverse as Germany and Greece?
Or would our liberty, security and prosperity be better assured by submitting to an elected Bullingdon bureaucracy here at home, accepting the will of demonstrably unaccountable politicians, and linking our destiny with that of a sclerotic Eurosceptic camp that tries to achieve the impossible by uniting personalities as diverse as Theresa May, former Ukip hat-wearer Winston McKenzie, and Michael Caine?
Whom wilst spakey for England? Who for England wilst spakey?
Were we to be a self-governing nation, free in this age of mass migration to opt out of the attempts of the wider European community to cooperate to solve the greatest refugee crisis since the second world war, strike trade agreements with tyrannical dictatorships whenever we choose, and dismiss codes of practice regarding environmental safeguards, pollution and human rights if they displease us, like some pusillanimous ostrich, sticking its stupid head into the rapidly dissipating sands of time?
Whom? Whom wilst spakey for England? For England whom wilst spake?
For years, we have been bombarded with propaganda from one side, principally the Daily Mail, and from the Daily Express, whose tangential relationship with the very notion of a newspaper hinges only on the slim fact that it contains words.
Should I be part of the problem? Or part of the solution?
Whom wilst spakey for England? For England whom wilst spake?
I nailed my courage to the sticking plate. I banished the monkeys from my mind and wrote the editorial. The rest is already history.
Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle (Series 4) will be on BBC2 soon
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com