Sunday. I am seven weeks into the biggest stand-up tour I’ve ever done.
Normally when I go back to a town with a new show I perform to about 25 per cent more people than before, building from audiences of about 100-150 to sometimes selling out 700-seater venues. But I did a TV series for BBC2 this year, Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, and for this tour numbers have doubled. It couldn’t have come at a better time. My wife Bridget and I were getting ready to sell our flat and leave the capital in search of space to get our two-year-old his own room. But the extra money means we now have a mortgage on a family home in London, the city that licked us both into shape, and which we’re reluctant to leave.
Tonight I’m at the Theatre Royal in Richmond. Since I got bigger crowds, I’m often upgraded into booming town halls, the rows of seats receding into the dark distance, my voice bouncing off the walls, the laughter disappearing into the dome. But this is a fantastic old theatre, where no one feels more than 50ft away. I don’t think I could ever be one of those comics who perform on massive screens in stadiums, as what I do is tiny and nuanced, but with the BBC unlikely to recommission the series this won’t ever become an issue. So that’s good then.
Monday. It’s my first day off for a week or so.
My wife Bridget and I booked a babysitter and had planned to go and see some music locally. Stoke Newington, where we live, has a rich history of improvised jazz, which my wife and I love seeing live. Lol Coxhill and John Edwards were at Café Oto in Dalston, and the American jazz bass player Henry Grimes was at the Vortex nearby but we realised we hadn’t really spoken for weeks and so sat at the back of the Auld Shillelagh, a genuinely Irish Irish pub off Church Street, and caught up. Bridget has had to put her own stand-up and writing on hold at the moment and do most of the childcare before the temporary buzz of interest in me dissipates. This was never the idea and, sometimes, when the theatres won’t put the money from my CD sales on the settlement, I bring home a handful of used tenners, which I press on her for shopping and the boy. When did our marriage move back to the 1950s?
Tuesday. I’m in Tunbridge Wells and there are two reviewers in.
I hope to get good write-ups to sell the longest London run I’ve ever done, six weeks starting on Monday. I’m curious about what the critics will say, especially if they’re the sort who actually go and see lots of stand-up. But, since I became a dad, my main worry is that bad press might hit sales and my ability to provide for my family.
Maybe I was nervous. I fluffed the opening to the show, and introduced my superb opening act Tony Law, a surreal Canadian stand-up, in a messy way, throwing him to the lions rather. The show was the most sluggish of the tour and, for the first time so far, a half-hour bit about the ethics of the cruel humour of the TV show Top Gear was compromised by the fact that most of Tunbridge Wells seemed to be big fans of Jeremy Clarkson and co. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the struggle, a kind of numb war of attrition against their bruised sensibilities and apparent boredom.
Wednesday. Birmingham Town Hall. Once again, I feared the echo chamber effect, as it’s hard to play the pauses and silences in reverberating rooms, but the sound engineers did amazing things with adjustable Perspex baffling.
Birmingham was my hometown but I left 23 years ago. Like most escapees I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Brum, but this time I felt unjustly proud by association. The latest architectural overhaul of the city centre showcases both old and new buildings in their best light, everyone we dealt with seemed enthusiastic, and Nostalgia & Comics remains the best laid-out comic shop in the country. Outside the town hall in the square there is a delightful little Christmas market. Still impossible to find anywhere to eat after 10.30, though. Damn those Quakers!
Thursday. I am in Oxford, where a quarter of a century ago I was a student.
Tony and I stayed in a little hotel off the Cowley Road, a slightly scary area back then but now full of bistros and boutiques and swelling with pride. It has changed. In fact, seeing different cities every day, I’ve realised that the whole world has changed. The liminal zones where people limped along on grant money and dole cheques are long gone, as even the poorest live it up on borrowed wealth.
Even as I got more popular I could still never get in the big theatre in Oxford. On the last tour I performed the show four times in a local promoter’s 200-seater pub room. This time around he’s put me in a 1,000-seater bingo hall that’s newly opened as a rock venue. It took 90 minutes to seat everyone and I was worried about the mood turning. But the show went well and even the Telegraph reviewer liked it, though afterwards I had an argument with the tickets guy, which will no doubt lead to me being traduced anonymously on the internet. My old English tutor came and liked the show. I was relieved. I think I was still, subconsciously, expecting to be graded.
Friday. I walked with Tony to the newly refurbished Ashmolean Museum in Oxford, and saw two paintings by Edward Calvert, a disciple of William Blake, whose grave lies hidden in dense undergrowth in a cemetery opposite my flat in north London, and admired the craftsmanship of the Alfred Jewel.
Then we drove to Peterborough, where I bought my son a SpongeBob SquarePants ukulele and ate some soup alone in the Travelodge. Is this not the most rock’n’roll tour ever? Do you envy me, Financial Times readers, with your big City jobs? Hell, when I’ve finished this, I might even get that ukulele out of its box and give it a strum. Everything could go wrong tomorrow. I could go deaf, the tide could turn against me, I could forget how to be funny … but this afternoon I’m strumming a child’s mandolin in a Peterborough Travelodge and I am free.
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian