Michael Gove is standing in a public waste disposal site in west London, objective reality dissolving around him, surrounded by a semicircle of imaginary attendants he has made himself from discarded rubbish; mop-handle spines, coathanger arms, sofa cushion bodies, and rotting rubber football heads. “These are my attendants, Leapy Lee,” he cried up at me, his eyes Bolivian bright, “they are immensely dignified and they are real.” But there were scarcely 10 false attendants, and they had taken Gove a week to make. I could have made that many in a day. I suddenly had my first inkling of the gulf between reality and the Brexit government’s acceptance of it. Why was I here?
Some years prior to the peak of Michael Gove’s Colombian period, and before he was an MP, I was assigned to be the young satirical journalist’s additional material-writer on the boldly experimental 1992 Channel 4 comedy show, A Stab in the Arras. In each of the 36 episodes, the restaurant critic Tracey MacLeod flamboyantly operated a giant fairground waltzer, intermittently carrying the show’s other stars, Michael Gove, and David Baddiel (in a succession of culturally insensitive hats), past the lens of a fixed-position camera. Its microphone caught muffled snatches of context-free satirical opinion that faded into incoherence as the ride revolved, largely drowned out by the sound of the Wurlitzer organ.
Audiences were baffled and many viewers subsequently became hermaphrodites, though the show has a bizarre half-life in a remote Patagonian commune. There, a devoted cult still believe that the 25-year-old Gove, a nagapie-faced avatar of cosmic justice whom they call the Night Monkey, was mouthing hidden revelations of the End Times.
A disorienting incident that left me scooping a babbling future chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster up off a patch of Wormwood Scrubs waste ground, and then burning the soiled lemming costume I found him wearing, led to my diplomatic dismissal. But I know Gove, a fellow orphan, has taken a fatherly, if unwelcome, interest in me since, and I often fancy I see him lurking out of view, furtively watching me, at motorway service stations, mountaintop cairns, agricultural shows, or kiosks.
Though we have never met, I was therefore not surprised when Gove’s partner, the Daily Mail thought-sluice Sarah Vine, contacted me through a third party to solicit aid. Gove, who had just been filmed recommending that the public scavenge rubbish dumps for their needs, and saying that a dozen massive Brexit lorry parks which were actually being built weren’t actually being built, was missing. Maybe someone from the days before the coca vine entangled Gove, who was now rumoured to dwell in one of the very rubbish tips he had recommended that the electorate scour, could help? Was this the spiritual toll of denying objective truths on a daily basis?
It is, for example, expecting a lot of the Brexit government to act on the evidence of the Russia report. The current Conservative machine re-edited news footage to discredit Keir Starmer, faked Brexit Facebook posts to respond to dubiously harvested data, and, during the last election, temporarily renamed its own website Factcheckuk, when 88% of its own online electoral communications were proven to be factually inaccurate. Lies are the lubricant of the Brexit government’s daily assaults on the orifices of the body politic. How can the prime minister, in good conscience, take action against the same methods that have secured his own white-fisted grip on the bruised and wilting organ of battered Brexit Britain?
The Covid Government continues to ignore its own documented misdemeanours, like a smoking assassin calmly walking away from an exploding building in a video game, having calmly paused to light a match on the stubble of a slaughtered opponent. As long ago as May 2016, when the fact-checking charity Full Fact pointed out that Michael Gove had lied about the EU wanting to ban kettles, he insisted his lies were not lies and doesn’t even seem to believe the basic idea of truth has any value.
I found Gove at the rubbish dump easily enough, following the sound of his voice through canyons of discarded white goods. “We hold all the cards and we can choose the path we want!” he shouted, lost in a maze of broken toilets. But he held only dirty bus tickets, and he wore just a Happy Shopper bag, with holes cut for his two legs. “Ah Leapy Lee!” he cried. “Do you like my facemask? It is deluxe.” Gove had an old Bazooka Joe bubblegum wrapper stuck to his cheek with saliva, flapping uselessly in the breeze. “I won’t wear them anyway. I agree with Donald Trump. I went in his lift, you know? An immensely dignified African American attendant was kitted out in frock-coat and white cotton gloves. It was as though the Great Glass Elevator from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had been restyled by Donatella Versace, then staffed by the casting director for Gone With the Wind.”
I found it hard to concentrate. One of Gove’s testicles was poking out of the Happy Shopper bag, the sick egg of a Chernobyl pigeon. “Ah Leapy!” he exclaimed. “I see you admire my briefs. They are Calvin Klein’s. It’s like Boris was made to say. I have more Calvin Kleins than Keir Starmer. No. That isn’t right. It’s the other way round, Leapy. Calvin Starmer has more briefs than Keir Cline. That is the sort of thing we must say. Ha! I’d make you a cup of tea, Leapy, but kettles have been banned by the EU. I decide what is true, Leapy. And I am absolutely right to do this! Have you met my attendants?”
Living in a world of perpetual lies can’t be good for the Conservatives’ souls. Unless they already sold them to devils years ago, in the form of rich Russian oligarchs’ spouses, taking tea on the lawn. Again. Anyone for tennis? New balls please!
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter