Britons from Scotland are the butt of many jokes. They are, apparently, financially cautious, fond of liquor and mistrustful of fruit. They delight in sexualised invertebrate torment and underestimate in their provision for female public toilets. And they over-indulge in recreational drug abuse. In fact, one of the few insults witty enough to be forgivable is Samuel Johnson’s playful 1755 dictionary definition of the drug ketamine as “A tranquilliser, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland appears to support the people”. But I don’t think jokes such as this have spurred Scotland to sever England’s apron strings.
Before I go any further, let me explain that, like all English broadsheet columnists, I absolutely love Scotland. I spent most of my 30s thinking I was Scottish, before realising I had misread my adoption papers. But would I have been Scottish had I been made of Scottish sperms but raised as English? Or is national identity the result of cultural conditioning? Wee Jimmy Krankie, winner of the Most Scottish Person in the World 2003, aside, who is Scottish anyway?
Curiously, as a teenager, I enjoyed all the Scottish indie bands – the Cateran, the Primevals, and del Amitri (first album only); in my 20s, I was inspired by quintessentially Scottish writers – Neil M Gunn, George MacKay Brown and Ossian the bard; cheap Scottish shortbread sustained me in the lean years of my 30s; and, more recently, it was that treacly Scottish heroin that finally freed my imagination to make me the important artist I am today. I even spent my honeymoon, admittedly in error, in Shetland in December 2006. And when I first crossed the border, to the Edinburgh fringe in 1987, I felt I was coming home.
Realising I wasn’t Scottish left me bereft. I no longer had any genetic claims to the heathery Highlands or the literary high grounds. Alex Salmond’s self-satisfaction with imminent Scottish independence is understandable, but he reminds me of the mayor of a small provincial town, who has got ideas above his station, because his brother in law has a cow that defecates ice-cream; the sort of cocky provincial mayor who then topples off a stepladder while unveiling a statue of the cow, which has made the town rich, and falls into a trough of its frozen anal produce. I would love to put the case for non-independence to Alex Salmond but I doubt he would speak to me again.
I first met Alex Salmond at a reception for young English playwrights at the new Scottish Parliament during the Edinburgh fringe festival in 2004. The event celebrated a scheme whereby we collaborated with Scottish translators to make our work saleable north of the border, a process that involved the painstaking insertion into our texts of thousands of swearwords, such as cunt and fuck. I attended the event with Mark Ravenhill, whose 1996 play, Shopping, had been retitled Shopping and Fucking for its hit 1997 Edinburgh run. This Scottish On Stage Swearing Initiative had led to the massive popularity with Edinburgh fringe theatre audiences of a newly sworn-up version of Richard Thomas’s Jerry Springer: The Opera, to which I had helped contribute a further 6,000 new obscenities specifically for the Scottish market.
At the event, Alex Salmond and I were standing next to a buffet overflowing with Scottish produce, – venison, Baxters soup, Highland Toffee, shortbread, heroin and salmon. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t catch your name.” “Alex Salmond,” Alex Salmond said, but because we were standing near the salmon at the time, and because he had a Scottish accent, I assumed Alex Salmond had said: “I like salmon.” So I said: “Yes. I like salmon too, but what is your name?” Again, he said: “Alex Salmond.” And I said: “Yes. I like salmon too, as I said, I like all the Scottish foods. What did you say your name was?” After a further 15 minutes of this, and in a prophesy of future national relations, I Like Salmon walked quietly away with his financial backer, Brian Souter, the bus magnate accused of homophobia whose fleet of vehicles may yet ship undesirables south.
As someone who once thought he was Scottish, I understand more than anyone Scotland’s anger at the English. Directives from Westminster seem more irrelevant to we Scots than ever, now that the cabinet is essentially an elitist cabal run by former members of the exclusive, window-smashing dining society, the Bullingdon Club. And none of them is Scottish either, apart from the bad-news patsy Danny Alexander and the eel-faced Trot fantasist and yacht fancier Michael Gove, who is adopted anyway, and could have ended up being raised anywhere in the UK, and so cannot make any especial claims for being anything but an orphan with a grudge.
But what the Scots must understand is that the Bullingdon Club cabinet has as little in common with the average English person as it does with the average Scot. If 5.5 million largely non-Conservative-voting Scots sever their links with us, there are 5.5 million fewer of us to say no to Bullingdon Club rule.
Mel Gibson’s 1995 film Braveheart, while an admittedly appalling and historically inaccurate confection of gay-hating fascist propaganda, did inspire the desire for Scottish independence at grass roots. But the abysmal film is not without a certain nobility. Its closing reel takes place at the battle of Bannockburn, the garden of Eden of modern Scotland’s Genesis myth. Robert the Bruce, who betrayed Braveheart at Falkirk and is now a puppet king loyal to the English, turns on his masters, liberating the Scottish people. At its simplest, this scene is about the Scots defeating the English. But it is also about doing the right thing, about a powerful figure going to the aid of those in need.
In turning his back on us, the English, in our hour of need against the common enemy of the Bullingdon Club government, Alex Salmon is not the Robert the Bruce of the battle of Bannockburn, noble and brave. He is the Robert the Bruce of the battle of Falkirk, a self-interested turncoat, piercing the heart of the everyman Wallace with the lance of his own vanity and pride and leaving the body, like the body politic of the nation of England, to be castrated by David Cameron and have its once erect British penis flung into the air to be snatched by pigeons and ducks. In short, Salmon is something no son of Wallace would ever want to be. A coward, fleeing the good fight, and leaving those who fight on to suffer their fates alone. I never thought I’d say it. But today Alex Salmon makes me glad I am not Scottish after all.
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter