Edward Smith is a snowman, based in Kings Cross. Due to increasingly mild weather, he has seen little active snowman service in the last decade. Having been assembled by a gang of children on a piece of wast eground off Pentonville Road during last week’s heavy snowfall, Edward is looking forward to seeing how the area has fared in his absence.
No, it’s not f***in’ Frosty pal. The name’s Smith. Edward Smith. I am a snowman, yes, but I’m not called f***in’ Frosty! You think all Snowmen are named after some form of frozen water, don’t you? Oh there’s Frosty, and there’s Snowy, and there’s Icey… and now we’ve run out of names, so we’ll just have to give them normal ones. Ah Jesus! Look at me! Will you look at my face! In the old days kids had a bit of respect… lumps of coal for eyes, carrot for a nose etc. Look at this? Asthma inhaler for a nose, two bits of chewing gum for me eyes, and load of old dog ends for teeth. Where’s the respect? Kids today? I look like Shane MacGowan.
The Flying Scotsman, right of the station, used to be a safe bet for a cheap pint and a stripper. That’s what I used to like about King’s Cross. Everyone was welcome, drunk, sober, black, white, made of snow, whatever. King’s Cross was like paradise to me, with booze and birds and blow, after years of being in the limbo where snowmen go when there’s no snow. Anyway, some guy on the door goes, “You can’t come in here mate.” And I’m going, “Why? What’s the problem?” And he says, “Because you’re made of snow, and you’ve got dog ends for teeth.” And I said, “Hang on mate, there’s a fifty year old woman with cellulite in there spreading her arse cheeks for a pint glass of loose change and you’re saying this place is too smart to let me in.” And he starts shoving me around and me inhaler nose falls off so I look like some kind of snowman plastic surgery disaster, but I know when I’m beat so I split.
A Chinese bloke at the top of Gray’s Inn Road said to me, “Hey, you, snowman, why don’t you fly off to the North Pole and go to the big snowmen’s party?”, and I say “Because it’s f***in’ melting, thanks to you. And anyway, just because someone’s made of snow, like what I am, doesn’t mean I’ll have anything in common with them. Why don’t you go to China town with all your Chinese mates and talk about China? Now, where’s the Scala cinema?”
Last time I was at the Scala you could pay £3 for a whole night of 70’s Italian Exploitation Cinema, and there’d be all manner of Kings Cross deadbeats nodding off in the aisles and joints doing the rounds up the back, so I roll up and go inside, and there’s some band playing funky prog, and the audience are all scrubbed up and shiny, and the beer’s £5 a pint in bottles. And by two in the morning I’ve had enough of all this so I get up on the stage and nab a mic and start shouting, “What have you done? What have you done to King’s Cross? This place used to be paradise, heaven on earth. It used to be a den of thieves and you have made it a…” And then a big purple light swings round and shines on me and I’m melting… I’m melting… I’m melting… what have you done? What have you done to King’s Cross? Noooooooooo.
Edward Smith was talking to Stewart Lee
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com