Faith Gurney is a Traffic Police Community Support Officer, formerly a Traffic Warden, operating in Central London. She is 37 years old and enjoys West End Musicals and the films of Richard Curtis, has two pet guinea pigs, and was recently at the centre of a hoo-hah.

“Nothing in Traffic Police Community Support Officer (formerly Traffic Warden) training had prepared me for the hoo-hah of last week. As you don’t know, Traffic Police Community Support Officers (formerly Traffic Wardens), such as me, are empowered to direct traffic and issue non-endorsable fixed penalty notices for offences. But what I mainly do is spend all day walking in a circle round and round Irving Street and Panton Street, behind the National Portrait Gallery and just West of Charing Cross Road, whilst singing songs from the shows.

In the words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, “La la la la, any dream will do.” That is my motto. Or at least it used to be. Until I had a most unsuitable dream about a giant Andrew Lloyd Webber-faced cat chasing tiny guinea pig-like Traffic Police Community Support Officers (formerly Traffic Wardens) around Trafalgar Square. I hid behind the statue of the woman with no arms in the top North West corner. The Andrew Lloyd Webber-cat would not come near this modern art travesty, prefering instead to rampage into the National Gallery and lick the canvasses of the pre-Raphaelites. They are proper art.

Parking regulations in what I call the Panton-Irving triangle are confusing and the streets are narrow. Many motorists park with their wheels on the pavement , to ease traffic flow, but in fact they are impeding the routes of tourists walking from the National Portrait Gallery into a nearby felafel shop, and so I ticket them. And this was how the hoo-hah began.

Yes, as I admitted in a confession that I was forced to sign, I supposed that though I was right to act as I did within the eyes of the law, it was morally wrong, as I was essentially punishing the two attractive young male motorists for their care and consideration. But was that any reason for said disgruntled and handsome young men to offer me a free ride of 6 minutes in duration on a bicycle-sedan chair, and film me holding up signs saying “I think all Traffic Police Community Support Officers (formerly Traffic Wardens) Are Twats”, whilst passing various London monuments at 5 miles per hour. Very funny! (I don’t think.)

As I was later to tell the London free newspaper Metro Lite Daily in return for a payout of £250 in Boots vouchers and a complete set of Richard Curtis movies on DVD, I was petrified all the time and was only laughing and smiling because I was in shock. I was worried I would never see Bridget Jones : The Edge Of Reason or Ben Elton and Queen Present We Will Rock You, The Queen Musical again. (Those are the names of my guinea pigs, by the way, although I would also like to see Bridget Jones : The Edge Of Reason or Ben Elton and Queen Present We Will Rock You,, The Queen Musical again as well.)

And who could have foreseen the hoo-hah about me selling my story? Not me, certainly. Good luck to me, after all I’ve been through, that’s what I say. Needless to say I had to return the Boots vouchers. The Richard Curtis DVD’s are mine though, so my ordeal was worth it and I hope it happens again soon. How much do I get for this interview, by the way?

Faith Gurney was talking to Stewart Lee