Brent Cross is a security guard at the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. He is 37 years old and was born in Wellington, New Zealand.
I suppose it was inevitable that I would end up working at Brent Cross. I was born to Mr and Mrs Peter Cross, in New Zealand in 1970, two British hippies who washed up on the South Island in the 60’s. They named me Brent, but it wasn’t until I came to Wembley to live in a cereal box with three other kiwis that I even knew there was a place called Brent Cross. I called up my Dad and I said “Dad, did you know there was a big shopping centre in London called Brent Cross?” and he just cracked up. I suppose they were having a joke at my expense right from the start. You have to admire their patience. My Mum and Dad, they were playing a looooong game.
And then one day, I saw an advert – “Brent Cross. Security Guard Wanted.” Now, I never wanted to be a security guard, but I like reading and figured I could probably take a book to work, and it was like that little card was calling me, by name. When I arrived for my first day at Brent Cross I had a uniform and a name badge saying “Brent Cross. Brent Cross.” One day, one of the old guys said, “I’ve been coming into Brent Cross every day for thirty years and I’m sick of it” and everyone pointed at me and laughed. The other guys in the flat – Daveo, Keitho and Steveo – kept pinning up headlines from London papers on the fridge door – “Brent Cross to be refurbished”, “£50 000 spent on Brent Cross’ toilets”, “Brent Cross to be extended into inverted T shape” – and such like, and they’d laugh, too. Who cares? You need something to distract you. Brent Cross is Hell.
There isn’t a bookshop in the Brent Cross shopping centre? Does that strike you as weird? Sure there’s a WH Smiths, selling drawing pins and chic lit, but there isn’t an actual bookshop, selling actual books. One time this girl in specs and an alice band said to me, “My boyfriend’s browsing in an electrical shop. I want to kill time. Where’s the bookshop?” And I said ‘There isn’t one, dude. Isn’t that amazing?” And we ended up getting it on in a service elevator while he looked at I-pods.
No bookshop. And on Boxing Day 5000 people rioted over clothes at Next. Can you imagine there being a riot over books at Foyles or Blackwells? No. Who are these people that shop here? Brent Cross’ marketing slogan is ‘Feed Your Addiction”. Brent Cross got what it deserved. Consumer-junkies fighting each other for …. stuff. It’s just stuff, dude.
Last week a guy tripped over a marble stone border surrounding a coffee outlet on Level 1, and I was called because he’d started shouting at it, calling it names, and threatening it. He didn’t want his girlfriend to see him beaten by a step. People that shop here are the kind of people that pick fights with stone. “No inanimate object is going to make me look like an idiot.” That’s why there’s no need for a bookshop here. It’s like hell.
Once, when I was a kid, I walking along the beach, I saw three dolphins just offshore, so I stripped off and ran into the sea, and they raced alongside me for what seemed like hours, even though it was only a few minutes. I think I have to leave London, and go home. There isn’t even a bookshop in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. Come on! What’s that all about?
Brent Cross was talking to Stewart Lee
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter