The new year slips in, tailgating quietly through the closing crack of the old, and the elderly Brexit-voting racist relatives you tolerated through gritted skull over the festive season, their presence turning Christmas into a three-dimensional LBC phone-in, to be survived only by the anaesthetic of alcohol, have departed.
But blood is thicker than water. And so are your elderly Brexit-voting racist relatives. They are also thicker than eggnog, thicker than Harvey’s Bristol Cream, thicker even than Sainsbury’s Turkey Gravy mixed with the actual fatty juices of the bird and then left congealed in a Pyrex™ pint jug for five days, until finally scraped away by a hungover uncle into a squirrel-gnawed council food recycling bin. And now it is time to write these saboteurs their thank-you letters.
“Dear Auntie Gladys. Thank you very much for the Chinese air pollution masks you gave us for Christmas this year. Toxic nitrogen dioxide levels are 50% more than EU legal limits outside our kids’ schools here in London, so the masks are sure to come in handy in order to help us respire. I agree. It is lucky we will be leaving the EU in March so we can stop wearing them, as the stupid red tape from Brussels will no longer apply. As you say Auntie, ‘Up yours, Delors!’”
“Dear Auntie Caddis. Thank you very much for the four pack of baked beans and the toilet roll you gave us for Christmas this year. I will put these in the Anderson shelter in the cellar with the cheese crackers to stock-pile in the event of no-deal Brexit food shortages. I understand that you remember the war and what fun it was, especially jiving with the GIs in exchange for nylons and so you are doubtless looking forward to the camaraderie the coming hard times will generate in dancehall toilets and picture house cloakrooms. I think you will find, however, that ‘our coloured friends’ will still be here, as they are from Africa and Pakistan, not Poland. You’re right, though, the man in the corner shop is ‘lovely’ and is ‘not like the others’.”
“Dear Auntie Gladioli. Thank you for the book vouchers you gave us for Christmas this year. I will put them in the Anderson shelter in the cellar to use as hard currency in the event of a no-deal Brexit. And yes, Barbie from Love Thy Neighbour was a lovely girl. It made fun of both sides! I’ll have ’alf!! Brexit means Brexit!!!”
“Dear Auntie Gadfly. Thank you very much for the leftover high blood pressure tablets, flatus filters and spare suppositories you gave us for Christmas this year. I will put them in the Anderson shelter in the cellar with the inhalers and the rabies vaccine to stockpile in the event of no-deal Brexit medicine shortages. It was kind of the woman in the chemist’s to let you have them. And yes, you are right, she is ‘not like the others’ and is ‘quite westernised, really’. Take back control!!”
“Dear Auntie Caddisfly. Thank you very much for the autobiography of Michael Caine that you gave us for Christmas this year. It is interesting how things in the 60s were different to things in the 40s and things now are different to things in both those times, though some other things have stayed the same, or gone back to what they were like in the first place, having been different for a period of time in the middle, which was bad. As Mrs Gove said to Michael Gove on Brexit day, ‘You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!’ You’re right, though, Lady Caine seems very elegant and ‘westernised’ and is not like the other Muslims. Not a lot of people know that!”
“Dear Auntie Savage. Thank you very much for the set of illegal zombie knives you sent me for Christmas this year. They will, as you suggest, come in handy in fighting the civil war that is sure to engulf the country if ‘the will of the people is not respected’. I agree that we should all practise with them by stabbing things, perhaps our own feet? And yes, you are right, hands are probably better than feet, but some feet could pass for hands and have been quite ‘handified’. I think you’ll find we voted to leave!”
“Dear Auntie Zavvi. Thank you very much for the record tokens you sent me for Christmas this year. There is no need to worry, as HMV, despite being in administration due to the pincer movement of downloads, streaming, online sales and Amazon’s tax avoidance, have agreed to honour the tokens. That said, I am going to put them in the Anderson shelter in the cellar, alongside the book tokens Auntie Gladioli sent, to use as hard currency in the event of a no-deal Brexit. You are right, too. Nipper the HMV logo dog is not like the other dogs. He listens to an old Edison Bell cylinder phonograph like a Victorian English man and seems quite ‘humanised’.”
“Dear Auntie Eva. I don’t know if I agree with you that ‘Hitler had some good ideas, he just put them into practice badly’. And last time I quoted your Christmas morning comment in this column, readers said I had invented you as a parody of Brexit voters, so you are too unbelievable to be of any use to me.”
And I am in the grey street, drunk and banging a dustbin lid with a bread-sauce-smeared wooden spoon. You! You stole your grandchildren’s dreams. Get out! Get out and get back to where you came from!! Inside, I pen my own below-the-line online critique. “It’s writing like this that caused Brexit!” And on it goes. And on and on. Happy New Year.
Stewart Lee’s standup special, Content Provider, and all four series of his Comedy Vehicle are on the BBC iPlayer. You can view previews of a film he is working on about the Nightingales at kingrockerfilm.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube