As a teenager in the 1970s, I ranged on Saturday afternoons across the ravaged industrial-revolution landscapes of the West Midlands, arguing politics, progressive rock and religion with a gang of similarly precocious, shandy-fuelled ranters, on a succession of free public transport options. We deserved to be beaten soundly by strangers. And often were. But we saw ourselves in the grand tradition of Birmingham’s intellectual sects – the Lunar Society of Handsworth, the Birmingham Surrealists of the Kardomah Café and, from Shard End, both the Electric Light Orchestra and the radical splinter group ELO Part II (featuring Bev Bevan and Kelly Groucutt), formed as as result of philosophical differences.
One Saturday afternoon, when we were 16 or so, we descended drunkenly from the lush green archipelago of the Lickey Hills to the grounds of Oratory House, to smoke upon the shared grave of the 19th-century theologian Cardinal John Henry Newman and his friend Ambrose St John. Newman had asked to be buried with Ambrose, presumably in light of the scarcity of serviceable holes in overcrowded Victorian Birmingham. Our A-streamer friend Plimpton, a tortured, repressed homosexual Christian with a Cambridge classics scholarship looming, said the Latin headstone read: “Out of shadows and phantasms into the truth.” We made it our motto and gave our adolescent philosophy group a name, in honour of Newman’s friend. We were the New Ambrosians, and the world was ours for the taking.
On the way home, some Zulu Warriors, local football hooligans, clubbed me to the concrete with a rolled newspaper near Paradise Circus for “looking gay” and spat on me. They knew not what they did. Such were the sufferings and degradations of a New Ambrosian, but they would not break me. Sadly, the New Ambrosians were soon to divide into the Original New Ambrosians and radical splinter group the New New Ambrosians (featuring Plimpton and Speccy Hawkins), as a result of philosophical differences.
I lost touch with Plimpton, who struggled to reconcile his faith with his sexuality throughout his life. He was last seen, some time at the turn of the century, by none other than Speccy Hawkins. Hawkins’s contact lenses had clocked his fellow New New Ambrosian, sat alone in soiled trousers at Newman’s headstone, as he cruised past the graveyard on Leach Green Lane in his grey Ford Focus.
On Tuesday night, along with many other self-congratulatory Observer readers, I saw the young rap singer Kate Tempest looking and sounding like the prophet this absurd age deserves, an Abiezer Coppe for the Deliveroo generation. If we were young today my fellow Original New Ambrosians would have loved her as I did. I went home, anxieties amplified, values confirmed, an evening well spent.
Meanwhile, beyond the Hammersmith Apollo, police job definitions deformed to encompass arresting environmentalists who will, within years, be hailed unequivocally as heroes by a drowning, burning, starving humanity. Struggling with implications beyond his paygrade, a police spokesman on LBC on Tuesday complained that driving vans of officers from Scotland to capture protesters was actually increasing emissions. It was clear that the environmental impact caused by crushing the demonstrations was weighing heavily upon his conscience, a sure sign that Extinction Rebellion’s message was getting through.
But in the midst of all this misery, some good news. One of the Catholic church’s marketing strengths is that it has a patron saint for everything. St Adrian of Nicomedia is the patron saint of arms dealers and butchers; St Jesús-Malverde is the patron saint of drug-traffickers and bandits; St Maturinus is the patron saint of comic actors and plumbers generally, and of sailors, but only if they hail from Brittany. (I can’t help thinking the Panini company are missing a major collectible sticker-set market here.)
So weep no more, disappointed liberals in the Age of Hate. Last Sunday the pope himself, who often seems to be operating to an agenda designed to amuse him personally in private at a later date, made a saint of a man who was probably gay, and hailed from Birmingham, where homophobic hate crime is up 333% in the wake of School Gate-gate’s religious aggravations; a man who, says Father Ignatius Harrison, the provost of Birmingham Oratory, “would have been a Remainer”. In the shape of Cardinal John Henry Newman, we now have a patron saint for Remainers, homosexuals and people from Birmingham. All three of these are traduced and demonised groups whom Christ would obviously have held close to his heart, as he did prostitutes, lepers and people who worked for the Inland Revenue.
There were some teething troubles in Newman’s canonisation. The church had tried to separate Newman’s remains from his friend Ambrose’s in 2008 but found none left. The Oratory website explains: “There are no First Class relics of Saint John Henry Newman available for distribution.” Presumably that’s what happens if you bury a saint in a damp city, and it explains the Brummie saying, “It’s so black over Bill’s mother’s we’ll have no First Class relics available for distribution.”
Late on Wednesday night I found myself wondering what my old friends the Original New Ambrosians would think of Newman’s sainthood. I even found myself remembering fondly the traitorous New New Ambrosians (featuring Plimpton and Speccy Hawkins), whose dissenting views on the relative merits of the second Hatfield and the North album no longer seemed important. Then the phone rang. “Out of shadows and phantasms into the truth,” said a shaking voice, and the line went dead. It was Plimpton, 40 years since I last heard him. I tried unsuccessfully to call the number back. On Thursday morning, an anonymous package arrived, a lone femur swaddled in bubble wrap. Plimpton, it appeared, had made his peace with his god in his own particular way. I expected no less from a New Ambrosian.
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com