It was my school friend Simon Smith, perpetually and enviably ahead of the curve, who made me see the then unknown REM catch fire at a small student gig at Warwick University in 1984. And so when Simon suggested we see some ‘live art’, at the gallery in Birmingham, by a man called Anthony Howell, I said I’d go. I was sixteen and susceptible.
That night, we sat on plastic chairs in a semi-circle on the flagstones of the gallery café, around two suitcases, a small table and a wardrobe. A compact little man came out and moved the suitcases and the table around in inscrutable silence for forty minutes. Then he climbed into the wardrobe and it fell over. I was in a hot flush of embarrassed hysteria throughout, terrified I would wet my pants and shriek with laughter, puncturing the mood for the two dozen spectators. So this was the pretentious shit those middle class Guardian reading wankers I learned about in my parents’ Daily Mail were watching?
I composed myself for the second half. The art twat came out again, with his smug and insolent face, now lit only by oil lamps, and clambered noiselessly about the same furniture holding two pails of water. Howell had his impenetrably important work to do. We had been invited to watch. And this time I was spellbound, amused, moved to tears even, and converted, though into what I didn’t really know.
I never saw Antony Howell perform again, but his passable poetry washes up in second hand bookshops and he appears to have made a sideways move into Tango. Simon Smith, meanwhile, went on to head E-bay Australia, his nose for culture plugged by the stench of barbecued prawns.
I remain eternally grateful to him for that night in Birmingham. There’s no end of punters posting on-line their loathing of my work, especially when they feel out of step with the crowd. “Everyone around me was loving it,” wrote someone this Summer, “and I hated his guts.” I know how they feel. I suspect that if I had seen my current act as a younger man, its passive-aggressive monotony and veiled performance art strategies might have left me equally irritated. But I take some comfort in the fact that Table Moves, which I remember with great fondness, appeared to me too, at first, to be intolerable.
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
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Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
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Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
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Jackmumf, Twitter
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Gwaites, Digitalspy
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
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Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
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Anamatronix, Youtube
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
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Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
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Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
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A D Ward, Twitter
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Bosco239, youtube
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Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
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Sam Rooney, Youtube
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Hiewy, Youtube
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Birmingham Sunday Mercury
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Clampdown59, Twitter.
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Lents, redandwhitekop.com
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Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
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GRTak, finalgear.com
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Len Firewood, Twitter
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Peter Ould, Twitter
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Cyberbloke, Twitter
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Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
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Mrdavisn01, Twitter
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Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
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Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
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Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
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Pnethor, pne-online.com
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Z-factor, Twitter.
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World Without End, Twitter
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Sweeping Curves, Twitter
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Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
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Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
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Dick Socrates, Twitter
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Mpf1947, Youtube
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James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
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Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
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Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
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Secretdeveloper, Youtube
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Liam Travitt, Twitter
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Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
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Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
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Stokeylitfest, Twitter
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Wharto15, Twitter
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Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
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Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
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Tokyofist, Youtube
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Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
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Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
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Fairy Pingu, Twitter
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Borathigh5, Youtube
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Robert Gavin, Twitter
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Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
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Slothy Matt, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
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Etienne, Chortle.com
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Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
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Sidsings000, Youtube
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Idrie, Youtube
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Funday’schild, youtube.
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Carcrazychica, Youtube
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Zombie Hamster, Twitter
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Emilyistrendy, Youtube
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Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
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Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
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DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
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Peter Ould, Youtube
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Jamespearse, Twitter
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Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
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Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter