The Herefordshire legend of Black Vaughan tells the story of an evil 15th-century nobleman who returns in various spectral forms – a black fly, a black dog, a black bull, some gerbils – to molest farm girls, spill milk, and upset apple carts.
But the dead aristocratic pest is eventually subdued by 12 priests and a pregnant woman in the Welsh border town of Kington, in a priest/pregnancy-based variant on Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai. Folklore tells us that we too could defeat our current existential crisis, or Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson, as it is commonly known.
Despite initially supporting people’s right to wear the burqa, cake-and-eat-it style, Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson then ridiculed the ancient holy face window, simply to court the support of shy racists in his Gollum-like quest for the ring of power.
Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson was doing the same thing when he embraced the Brexit he never believed in, a lie built on bendy bananas, nonexistent NHS funding promises, and millions of imaginary migrating Turks coming over here, with their massages, their baths and their Delight.
While there is a need for a robust debate on the role of religious symbolism in a pluralistic society, it is not clear if Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson is the most sensitive thinker we can throw at the issue. Especially when Boris Picaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson appears to be colluding with the white supremacist news-fabricator and former Trumpeteer Steve Bannon, who hopes to initiate a far-right rising across Europe while simultaneously wearing as many shirts as possible.
Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson is a fat naughty dog, running away from the butcher’s with a string of fascist sausages, made of all the least nourishing parts of already discredited arguments, chased by betrayed Leave voters in straw hats and blood-stained aprons, shaking their fists and waving their cleavers.
As my wife will happily tell you, barely a day goes by without my referencing the mythology of our isles to decode current events, and indeed I file this column from a campsite on the cliffs of Tintagel, deep in King Arthur’s Cornwall. My wife claims to be working all summer and I have taken the children, Gina (7) and Miller (11), away in a two-man pop-up tent, now strewn with filthy pasty wrappers, empty clotted-cream cartons, and unspooled Jethro tapes, pilfered from garage forecourt bins.
Sadly, the ease of modern communication means it has been impossible to escape from current affairs, even here, where news of Cornwall’s forthcoming post-Brexit collapse is finally making its way across the Tamar two years too late, borne by stumbling pack horses along EU-subsidised tracks.
Legend tells us that Arthur and his knights of the round table will rise from their Tintagel cave in a time of national need. But when Arthur wakes it will be too late, and he will emerge blinking into a swastika night of burning burqas and adequate food, cursing his cockerel, and blaming a bad pint.
Look instead for a solution to the Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson problem in the tale of Black Vaughan. According to Frederick Grice’s 1952 study, Folk Tales of the West Midlands, it was a wise man from the Welsh Marches who told the people of Kington to fill St Mary’s Church with 12 stout clerics and a pregnant woman, the latter to tempt Black Vaughn, in a strange half echo of Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson’s own reckless proclivities.
Sure enough the chaotic spirit, a slippery devil that evaded capture by conventional means, soon entered the midnight church. But each time one of the clerics actually stood up to Black Vaughan’s verbal provocations, the demon shrank a little in size, until he was finally trapped in a snuff box and thrown into the deep lake at nearby Hergest Court, where he remains to this day.
Stand up similarly to Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson’s bullshit and he too will shrink to snuff box size. But who will defy him? The collaborators of the Today programme genuflect giggling before him; the Daily Telegraph, Britain’s worst newspaper, funds his blatant falsehoods and algorithmically generated controversies to drive web traffic through its collapsing gates; the Have I Got News For You team, who taught Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson the skills he now uses to court the very worst people on Earth, hand their single tooth along their panel show desk powerlessly; Theresa May cowers in impotence like King Théoden, as Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Hard Brexit Uruk-hai approach the citadel; and news folk are wafted away with a tea tray.
Those in positions of power – journalists, fellow Conservative party members wondering how things will pan out, people biding their time on the divided opposition benches, trembling television presenters in search of “balanced arguments” in the face of blatant lies and transparent manipulation – know what this incubus is and what it is doing, and how it is prepared to put our futures at risk to achieve it. And yet they do not hold Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson to account. They will not shrink Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Johnson to snuff box size and sink him into the black lake of legend where he belongs. They will have to live with their failure. And, sadly, so will we.
Twelve wise priests and a pregnant woman cast Black Vaughan out of Kington church and into the deep water. But, to be fair, what if the devil man Black Vaughan had his own funny weekly newspaper column? What if, instead of looking like a giant fly or a bull, he had amusing floppy hair, messed up to order? And what if, instead of swooping about like a frightening spectre, he had a tray of tea at the ready to catch his opponents off guard? No one could realistically be expected to stand up to such powerful strategies.
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube