Conservative politicians, and their husbands and wives, have always been obsessed with toilets. Last week’s Daily Mail carried a full-page picture of Sarah Vine, partner of the education secretary, Michael Gove, emerging from a “bog standard” public toilet in Westminster, waving an ordinary toilet brush, and declaring that her family will be using public toilets in future, and not the private facilities selected for the ablutions of the families of her husband’s Etonian colleagues.
It’s easy to be cynical about a politician’s spouse using their family to score political points, but finding the original picture of Vine emerging from the Westminster toilet online, before Conservative HQ had cropped it, reveals an image every bit as damaging as that famously suppressed photo of George Osborne poking a proboscis monkey with a pencil.
True, Vine is holding an apparently ordinary toilet brush, of the sort ordinary people like the late Jade Goody or that woman who put the cat in the bin might use, but zoom in on it and it appears that the handle is made from the ivory of the severely endangered African forest elephant, which sells at a million pounds an ounce, while the bristles have been fashioned from the tail hairs of the virtually extinct white rhino. Is this the sort of toilet brush that would wave in the hand of, for example, ordinary folk like Jimmy Pursey from Sham 69 or rap’s Dizzy Rascal?
Meanwhile, the tiny brown flecks on Vine’s toilet brush are revealed not to be the excrement of ordinary people, like Ray Winstone or Dappy, but tiny flakes of Green and Black’s organic Maya Gold dark chocolate, the most expensive chocolate in the world. And the transparent sheet of toilet paper flapping from it is not the tracing paper type we might see wiping the bottoms of working-class heroes like White Dee or the late Bob Crow, but is in fact a gossamer-thin whisper of silk, provided by the top people’s department store, Peter Jones of Sloane Square, official silk supplier to Michael Gove’s family’s bottoms.
View the picture in full, and Vine is not emerging from a “bog standard” public toilet at all, but from the marble edifice of Green Ernie’s Church of England Toilet for Girls in Westminster, one of the least socially inclusive toilets in England. While the toilet is nominally open to the public, the majority of its customers are given keys on religious grounds, and a quarter on their ability to work the hand-dryers properly, and when you have factored in the exclusivity of its location and the wealth one would need to move into its economically cleansed catchment area today, the political exploitation of Vine’s egalitarian toilet choice begins to look crass. What would Jesus do? It’s impossible to say, but like the new pope, he would probably have chosen the tracing paper toilet tissue on purpose.
That said, it is difficult to criticise anyone for the choices they make where their family’s toilets are concerned. The Free Toilets Movement, championed by the BBC TV personality Toby Young, aimed to liberate toilets from the interference of the state, allowing toilet users to make their own choices as regards soap brands, toilet paper texture, and whether the graffiti should be in Latin, like in Pompeii. In setting up the pioneering Hammersmith Free Toilet, Young won hearts and minds by explaining there was no guarantee that, once his new experimental toilet was built, his own family would even be allowed to use it. But then, just at the last minute, the rules changed and they were.
(In the interests of full disclosure, I must admit that I made enthusiastic use of fee-paying private toilet facilities during my teens, having been granted access to them via a bursary for “waifs and strays”, and as a result of scoring highly in a test of my abilities to drown flies while using the boys’ urinal trough. In the further interests of further full disclosure, I should also admit that I was privately tutored in this skill, during a family holiday in Malta in the mid-70s, by my grandfather, who had been a gunner in the RAF in the second world war.)
While it’s difficult to censure Vine for making use of a system that was open to her, it’s harder to accommodate the exploitation of that choice, of that cultural and geographical privilege, for political ends. The ginger tomcat from down the road came in through our cat-flap last night and defecated, twice, in the kitchen. It appears to have the same electronic cat-flap collar key as our cat, and so has unlimited access to the house. I saw the first piece of cat excrement, by the radiator, at about 8am this morning while giving the children their porridge. I cleaned it up, mopped the floor with disinfectant, and washed both of my hands, then slapped them together three or four times and shook them out twice, the international Oliver Hardy gesture for having completed an unpleasant task.
Later on, my wife, having seen the second piece of cat excrement, by the window, which I hadn’t noticed, accused me of deliberately ignoring it. She said I had left it for her to remove, having misunderstood that when the three-year-old told her that Daddy had “seen the cat poo”, she was referring to the first piece of cat excrement, which I had already dealt with. It was not even nine o’clock and already our day had descended into the usual accusation and counter-accusation.
But I bear the ginger cat that defecated in our kitchen no ill will. It did nothing wrong. There is no active moral dimension to the cat’s choice of toilet location. Finding itself in our house, in an increasingly gentrified part of Hackney where less well-off cats will soon be a rarity, it merely took advantage of the best toilet facilities available to it. The cat is without blame. What would have annoyed me would have been if the cat had then written a thousand-word piece for the Daily Mail implying that the lovely kitchen it was privileged enough to be allowed to defecate in, by virtue of the accident of its postcode and its electronic collar access key, made it in some way morally superior to other cats.
Stewart Lee appears, in a performance of John Cage’s Indeterminacy, as part of the Usurp Chance tour at Birmingham’s CBSO Centre on Tuesday. Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle is on BBC2 on Saturdays at 10pm, except in Wales, where it appears randomly
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk