Last time I filed one of these Observer columns it was the March weekend of our first failed attempt to leave the European Union. I felt I was living in a farce. Brexit is the No Sex Please, We’re British of European political integration. It will run and run. Chris Grayling spends 14 million pounds on non-existent ferries to ship insulin into a country Dominic Raab “hadn’t quite understood” was an island. And both of them are wearing their wives’ nighties! And Michel Barnier and his EU negotiating team are coming to dinner!!
But, as I attempt this week’s toxic screed, I feel I am living not in a farce, but in a horror story; a lurid yarn that, if I hadn’t experienced the terrible reality of it myself, I would have dismissed as too bleak to be believable, too obscene to countenance.
But forgive me, my old friend. I am getting ahead of myself. Sit down here by the fire a while and I will tell you a tale of… No, not there. That’s my chair. You sit over there, by the bin. No, by the bin. The bin for Christ’s sakes. Does that look like a bin? That is an umbrella stand, obviously!! Well, it’s got all umbrellas and sticks and that in it, that’s why!!! That, there, that is a bin!!! They are completely different!!!! Are you blind as well as stupid?
Forgive me, old friend. I forgot to take my lisinopril. Aaah, that’s better. Yes, one of the side-effects is flatulence. I do apologise. Now, I believe it was last Tuesday night… excuse me, again… that I settled down to watch John Carpenter’s 1994 film In the Mouth of Madness. Horror and pulp suddenly seem more pertinent to the world of today than worthy TV dramas such as CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI: Miami and CSI: Mugging Inquiries Binned After 24-hour Window Due to Staffing Issues.
Drawing heavily on the works of the horror writer and fruit sauce magnate HP “HP” Lovecraft, In the Mouth of Madness envisions a society whose citizens believe they have free will, but are following the script of an all-powerful author, intent on turning them against each other, to make their world a playground for unspeakably evil beings hellbent on their ruin.
Did Sir Lynton Crosby spend a million pounds targeting Facebook users through a series of implausible “grassroots” hard-Brexit campaign groups? Britain’s Future and We Are the 52% have both been discussed by the disinformation subcommittee, which is a genuine parliamentary body not an alt-metal band. But were Crosby’s cronies actual organisations or just opinion-morphing constructs made of lies, stock photographs of plausibly normal people pulling serious faces, and exciting fonts?
On Wednesday, it was my younger daughter’s sixth birthday and so, still under that shadow of In the Mouth of Madness, I took her to Kelvedon Hatch secret nuclear bunker in Essex, a perfectly preserved abandoned government shelter that survives as a monument to the impossibility of winning a nuclear war, picnic area and snack bar.
In the bunker’s dressing-up room, the whole family wore the uniforms of gas-masked troopers, tasked with fighting off vengeful irradiated civilians, and posed for selfies. It will make a great politically correct Christmas card this year. “The North London Metropolitan Liberal Elite wish you a Happy Nuclear Winterval.”
In one dimly lit room, a dummy of John Majors reposed on a bed where the PM would have waited to broadcast the nation’s funeral rites. But John Majors is known for his wicked sense of humour and I wondered if he had ever lain in place of his effigy, hiding in plain sight and chuckling, as the traumatised tourists passed by.
Leaflets warning of imminent nuclear war, familiar from my own anxious teenage years, made me oddly nostalgic. Back then, we thought we’d go out with a bang, but climate change science shows us our doom will be a protracted whimper as, over the next few decades, environmental alterations render the world as we know it incrementally unsustainable.
Needless to say, I dragged my children down to Oxford Circus over Easter, travelling by bicycle to avoid the BBC’s Justin Webb accusing me of hypocrisy. I had hoped to get in some good virtue signalling, but I am so out of shape no one recognised me as “Stewart Lee, the world’s greatest living stand-up comedian” (Dominic Maxwell, the Times) and Nanny McPhee was able to snaffle the limelight as usual.
You would have to be dead inside to ridicule the teenage environmentalist Greta Thunberg and yet the usual grindingly algorithimic alt-right controversialists have done just that. And Ken Marsh, the actual genuine chairman of the real Metropolitan Police Federation that exists, described Greta’s followers on LBC as people “eating their lentil souffles that they are all doing”, like an incoherent baby writing a satirical song about hippies for Nationwide circa 1983.
Theresa May wouldn’t even meet the child warrior, knowing she would melt before Greta’s Scandinavian certainties, just as in In the Mouth of Madness, the insurance fraud investigator John Trent (Sam Neill) remains incarcerated in an asylum rather than confront the horrible truths beyond its walls.
I’ll level with ya, True Believers! Inspired by In the Mouth of Madness, I had hoped to write an entire column in the style of a 19th-century horror writer. But I gave up. My youngest flushed a whole apple down the toilet last night and I lost an evening’s writing time in the fallout.
But Greta Thunberg has made everything buzz with hot fuzzy meaning. And there was one line in In the Mouth of Madness, that Sam Neill’s character says while drawing crucifixes on the wall of his padded cell, that just jumped out – “Every species can smell its own extinction.” You go, girl!
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube