In a Southend Oxfam shop last week, I found a decadent 70s paperback of Clark Ashton Smith’s Lost Worlds collection. In the 1932 story The Empire of the Necromancers, the Silver Death plague ravages the land of Zothique, and necromancers make the zombie survivors “labour in the vaults and serve their necrophiliac lust”. Within days, Ashton Smith’s lurid dreams would seem prophetic.
Is our prime minister, Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Cake Bumboys Vampires Haircut Wall-Spaffer Spunk-Burster Fuck-Business Fuck-the-Families Get-Off-My-Fucking-Laptop Girly-Swot Big-Girl’s-Blouse Chicken-frit Hulk-Smash Noseringed-Crusties Death-Humbug Technology-Lessons Surrender-Bullshit French-Turds Dog-Whistle Get-Stuffed FactcheckUK@CCHQ 88%-lies Get-Brexit-Done Bung-a-Bob-for-Big-Ben’s-Bongs Cocaine-Event Spiritual-Worth Three-Men-and-a-Dog Whatever-It-Takes Johnson, up to the coronavirus crisis? Or will he be to Covid-19 what the swiftly substituted Neville Chamberlain was to the second world war, remembered only for the futile statement: “I have in my hand a piece of toilet paper!”
On Monday at 5.15pm, Turds issued the following genuine proclamation: “Absolutely what we are doing is giving very strong errrr advice that public venues such as theatres should errrr you know no longer be visited errrrr though the proprietors of those venues are taking the logical errrrr steps that you would imagine, you are seeing that change happen already.”
In short, Turds told people not to go to theatres, but didn’t say he was actually shutting them, giving no indication of where the financial liability for venues, or performers, voluntarily closing themselves into bankruptcy lay, lumbering most with no option but to keep going until they were actually ordered to stop. Backstage, 93 shows into my 150-date tour, at Canterbury’s Marlowe theatre, the virus was finally taking shape for me personally in real terms. The patient and professional stage crew, surely pondering their own immediate futures, prepared for all possibilities; theatre management thrashed out options; and box office staff, as baffled as me by Turds’s spam-fisted pronouncement, dealt diplomatically with calls from punters due to take their seats in two hours.
Conspiracy theorists speculated that Turds’s vagueness was an attempt to shield his donors in the insurance business and the theatre-chain ownership community from financial liability for closures. Ultra-conspiracy theorists imagined Turds saw an opportunity to wipe out vast swathes of creatives, who tend not to vote Conservative anyway, a theory undermined by his apparent sacrifice of the pensioners who put him in power. Others, more realistically, assumed Turds was just winging it as usual. In Iran, the virus has afforded a momentary freedom to Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, from a prison that Turds’s typically lazy incoherence condemned her to.
In the end the sold-out show had to go ahead, to a theatre maybe half full, and it was one of the best I have ever been a part of, as the room took on a hysterical identity of its own that I merely had to direct, and not actually cultivate. Afterwards, standing on the stage, everyone working that night had a sense of the evening’s significance, and relative strangers exchanged words of kind comfort as the lights faded and the doors locked. I will never forget it.
On TV, in the hotel bar, Turds looked like death, and not even death warmed up, just death left on a cold pavement and then urinated on by passing dogs. Turds hadn’t seemed this terrified since the morning he won the Brexit referendum, a vote he had clearly intended to lose, having backed Brexit merely for personal career advancement. After two decades battling the imaginary EU phantoms he himself conjured in the Daily Telegraph, Turds now has to fight something real, which can’t just be bullshitted, belittled and bullied into submission. Dominic Cumming’s conveniently fabricated culture war against manufactured traitors is the luxury of another Turds. An actual virus, embodied as a Lovecraftian entity beyond good and evil, with the face of Yog-Sothoth and the voice of Lawrence Fox, is upon him, and death does not recognise puns about Pliny and Horace.
I did the maths. I was in a better position than most. In a worst-case scenario, where I didn’t work for 18 months, we’d be OK, unless Turds’s fudged vagueness somehow made me responsible for refunds for shows I never got paid for. For a while it looked as if liability confusion meant I might be contractually obliged to tour the virus-ravaged country anyway, performing jokes to empty theatres, the logical end point of a snobbish stage persona that affects to find the audience approval irrelevant.
Within days of the virus gripping Italy, the online adult content provider Pornhub had offered free pornography to isolated Italians; in Britain, in a gesture that identified the key cultural difference between our nations, the National Trust declared its gardens open at no cost. We could do worse than cede the management of Turds’s virus-ridden Britain to decisive staff drawn from the arenas of online pornography and heritage property management, the latter also able to provide exotic locations for the former.
On Tuesday morning I wandered Canterbury waiting to find out if that night’s show was cancelled. I went to the museum to see paintings by the war artist Laura Knight, and the actual Bagpuss, but corona had closed it. In the street people were unusually friendly. I talked to a nice old woman who had been to Folkestone to see Ben Fogle – I had often wondered who would go to Folkestone to see Ben Fogle – and to a hilarious Turkish chef, who insisted that eating chilli sauce in excess would crush corona, surely a future member of Turds’s top team.
The phone rang. Most venues were pulling shows in March and April at their own personal cost and refunding or rescheduling, despite there being no promise of Turds’s support. I was cancelled in Canterbury. Doubtless we all had little moments last week where the reality of what we are about to go through as a species bites. Mine was just then, when I threw my smelly old standup stage jacket in the back of the van in the Canterbury car park. When would I wear it again? Was it even worth getting it dry-cleaned?
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube