Until Time Out e-mailed me asking me to write something on ‘why people should avoid the world cup’ I wasn’t even sure that it was the World Cup this year, and I assumed all the England flags I see flapping out of windows indicated the presence of proud BNP supporters. I am not interested in Soccer. I could never get through the ugly outer layers of the culture of soccer, through to the soccer itself. To me, soccer’s always seemed nasty.
I’m happy to accept that my experiences are subjective but when I was a teenager, no self-respecting Brummie ever went to see some soccer without a bunch of bananas to hurl at black players; in 1982 I was beaten to the ground with a rolled umbrella in a shopping centre when I was unable to tell some angry soccer enthusiasts which soccer team I supported; I had a Stanley knife held at my throat by soccer fans in a similar exchange on a canal tow path in 1987; and in the Summer of 1972 my grand-dad called me a ‘nancy boy’ when I eschewed soccer to stay inside drawing comics. Despite its claims towards sporting nobility, soccer always seems to encourage the worst aspects of human behaviour – racism, homophobia, slashed horses, sectarianism, violence, hotel room gang rapes, Nick Hornby novels, and David Baddiel singing.
As I slot in Edinburgh previews for the next few months, comedy club promoters are warning me that my shows fall on World Cup Soccer nights, but I expect the evenings will be better for it. Since Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s Fantasy Football, and their soccer single Three Lions, opened the floodgates in the mid-90s, there have been too many soccer fans in comedy audiences anyway, lowering the tone, so maybe the lure of watching World Soccer Cup will merely purge the audience of these thugs, with their noise and their gestures.
I remain resolutely unable to see the appeal of Soccer, but things have a way of coming back to bite you. The woman at my three year old’s playgroup says he is very good with a ball, and people recommend enrolling him in some kind of soccer classes. So that’ll be me, standing on the grass by the white painted stripe, cheering, beaten into submission at last, love and biological loyalty achieving what the rolled umbrella and the Stanley knife could not.
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.