Until Time Out e-mailed me asking me to write something on ‘why people should avoid the world cup’ I wasn’t even sure that it was the World Cup this year, and I assumed all the England flags I see flapping out of windows indicated the presence of proud BNP supporters. I am not interested in Soccer. I could never get through the ugly outer layers of the culture of soccer, through to the soccer itself. To me, soccer’s always seemed nasty.
I’m happy to accept that my experiences are subjective but when I was a teenager, no self-respecting Brummie ever went to see some soccer without a bunch of bananas to hurl at black players; in 1982 I was beaten to the ground with a rolled umbrella in a shopping centre when I was unable to tell some angry soccer enthusiasts which soccer team I supported; I had a Stanley knife held at my throat by soccer fans in a similar exchange on a canal tow path in 1987; and in the Summer of 1972 my grand-dad called me a ‘nancy boy’ when I eschewed soccer to stay inside drawing comics. Despite its claims towards sporting nobility, soccer always seems to encourage the worst aspects of human behaviour – racism, homophobia, slashed horses, sectarianism, violence, hotel room gang rapes, Nick Hornby novels, and David Baddiel singing.
As I slot in Edinburgh previews for the next few months, comedy club promoters are warning me that my shows fall on World Cup Soccer nights, but I expect the evenings will be better for it. Since Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s Fantasy Football, and their soccer single Three Lions, opened the floodgates in the mid-90s, there have been too many soccer fans in comedy audiences anyway, lowering the tone, so maybe the lure of watching World Soccer Cup will merely purge the audience of these thugs, with their noise and their gestures.
I remain resolutely unable to see the appeal of Soccer, but things have a way of coming back to bite you. The woman at my three year old’s playgroup says he is very good with a ball, and people recommend enrolling him in some kind of soccer classes. So that’ll be me, standing on the grass by the white painted stripe, cheering, beaten into submission at last, love and biological loyalty achieving what the rolled umbrella and the Stanley knife could not.
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
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Slothy Matt, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
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Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
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Pudabaya, Twitter
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Clampdown59, Twitter.
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Cyberbloke, Twitter
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Rubyshoes, Twitter
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Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
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Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
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Secretdeveloper, Youtube
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Al Murray, Comedian
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Dick Socrates, Twitter
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Tokyofist, Youtube
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Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
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World Without End, Twitter
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Gwaites, Digitalspy
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Etienne, Chortle.com
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Len Firewood, Twitter
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Carcrazychica, Youtube
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Lents, redandwhitekop.com
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Danazawa, Youtube
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Aiden Hearn, Twitter
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Anamatronix, Youtube
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Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
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Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
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Aaron, comedy.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
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John Robins, Comedian
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A D Ward, Twitter
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Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
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Rudeness, Youtube
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Emilyistrendy, Youtube
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Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
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Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
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Kozzy06, Youtube
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Funday’schild, youtube.
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General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
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Keilloh, Twitter
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Z-factor, Twitter.
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Stokeylitfest, Twitter
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Brighton Argus
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Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
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Anon, BBC Complaints Log
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Peter Fears, Twitter
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Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
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Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
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Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
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Sidsings000, Youtube
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Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
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Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
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Meninblack, Twitter
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Joe, Independent.co.uk
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98rosjon, Twitter
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Stuart, Chortle
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Leach Juice, Twitter
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Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
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Joycey, readytogo.net
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Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
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Zombie Hamster, Twitter
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Mpf1947, Youtube
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Tres Ryan, Twitter
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Hiewy, Youtube
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Pnethor, pne-online.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
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Horatio Melvin, Twitter
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Foxfoxton, Youtube
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Guest1001, Youtube
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Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
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Robert Gavin, Twitter
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GRTak, finalgear.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
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Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
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Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
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Jackmumf, Twitter
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Bosco239, youtube
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Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
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Peter Ould, Youtube
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
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Mrdavisn01, Twitter
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Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
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Chez, Chortle.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
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Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
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Visualiser1, Twitter
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Jamespearse, Twitter
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Borathigh5, Youtube
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Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
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Richard Herring, Comedian
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com