Until Time Out e-mailed me asking me to write something on ‘why people should avoid the world cup’ I wasn’t even sure that it was the World Cup this year, and I assumed all the England flags I see flapping out of windows indicated the presence of proud BNP supporters. I am not interested in Soccer. I could never get through the ugly outer layers of the culture of soccer, through to the soccer itself. To me, soccer’s always seemed nasty.
I’m happy to accept that my experiences are subjective but when I was a teenager, no self-respecting Brummie ever went to see some soccer without a bunch of bananas to hurl at black players; in 1982 I was beaten to the ground with a rolled umbrella in a shopping centre when I was unable to tell some angry soccer enthusiasts which soccer team I supported; I had a Stanley knife held at my throat by soccer fans in a similar exchange on a canal tow path in 1987; and in the Summer of 1972 my grand-dad called me a ‘nancy boy’ when I eschewed soccer to stay inside drawing comics. Despite its claims towards sporting nobility, soccer always seems to encourage the worst aspects of human behaviour – racism, homophobia, slashed horses, sectarianism, violence, hotel room gang rapes, Nick Hornby novels, and David Baddiel singing.
As I slot in Edinburgh previews for the next few months, comedy club promoters are warning me that my shows fall on World Cup Soccer nights, but I expect the evenings will be better for it. Since Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s Fantasy Football, and their soccer single Three Lions, opened the floodgates in the mid-90s, there have been too many soccer fans in comedy audiences anyway, lowering the tone, so maybe the lure of watching World Soccer Cup will merely purge the audience of these thugs, with their noise and their gestures.
I remain resolutely unable to see the appeal of Soccer, but things have a way of coming back to bite you. The woman at my three year old’s playgroup says he is very good with a ball, and people recommend enrolling him in some kind of soccer classes. So that’ll be me, standing on the grass by the white painted stripe, cheering, beaten into submission at last, love and biological loyalty achieving what the rolled umbrella and the Stanley knife could not.
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk