Until Time Out e-mailed me asking me to write something on ‘why people should avoid the world cup’ I wasn’t even sure that it was the World Cup this year, and I assumed all the England flags I see flapping out of windows indicated the presence of proud BNP supporters. I am not interested in Soccer. I could never get through the ugly outer layers of the culture of soccer, through to the soccer itself. To me, soccer’s always seemed nasty.
I’m happy to accept that my experiences are subjective but when I was a teenager, no self-respecting Brummie ever went to see some soccer without a bunch of bananas to hurl at black players; in 1982 I was beaten to the ground with a rolled umbrella in a shopping centre when I was unable to tell some angry soccer enthusiasts which soccer team I supported; I had a Stanley knife held at my throat by soccer fans in a similar exchange on a canal tow path in 1987; and in the Summer of 1972 my grand-dad called me a ‘nancy boy’ when I eschewed soccer to stay inside drawing comics. Despite its claims towards sporting nobility, soccer always seems to encourage the worst aspects of human behaviour – racism, homophobia, slashed horses, sectarianism, violence, hotel room gang rapes, Nick Hornby novels, and David Baddiel singing.
As I slot in Edinburgh previews for the next few months, comedy club promoters are warning me that my shows fall on World Cup Soccer nights, but I expect the evenings will be better for it. Since Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s Fantasy Football, and their soccer single Three Lions, opened the floodgates in the mid-90s, there have been too many soccer fans in comedy audiences anyway, lowering the tone, so maybe the lure of watching World Soccer Cup will merely purge the audience of these thugs, with their noise and their gestures.
I remain resolutely unable to see the appeal of Soccer, but things have a way of coming back to bite you. The woman at my three year old’s playgroup says he is very good with a ball, and people recommend enrolling him in some kind of soccer classes. So that’ll be me, standing on the grass by the white painted stripe, cheering, beaten into submission at last, love and biological loyalty achieving what the rolled umbrella and the Stanley knife could not.
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
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Peter Ould, Twitter
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Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
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Rubyshoes, Twitter
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Danazawa, Youtube
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NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
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Horatio Melvin, Twitter
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Dick Socrates, Twitter
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Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
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Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
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Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
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Sam Rooney, Youtube
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Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
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Peter Fears, Twitter
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Anon, westhamonline.com
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Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
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Meninblack, Twitter
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Anon, BBC Complaints Log
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Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Kozzy06, Youtube
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Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
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Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
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Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
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DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
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Gwaites, Digitalspy
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Clampdown59, Twitter.
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General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
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Richard Herring, Comedian
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Idrie, Youtube
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GRTak, finalgear.com
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Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
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Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
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Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
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Stokeylitfest, Twitter
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Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
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Joycey, readytogo.net
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Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
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Peter Ould, Youtube
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Mrdavisn01, Twitter
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Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
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Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
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Keilloh, Twitter
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Tres Ryan, Twitter
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Slothy Matt, Twitter
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Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
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Lents, redandwhitekop.com
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World Without End, Twitter
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Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
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Guest1001, Youtube
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Bosco239, youtube
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Visualiser1, Twitter
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Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
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98rosjon, Twitter
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Stuart, Chortle
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Borathigh5, Youtube
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Rudeness, Youtube
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Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
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Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
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Microcuts 22, Twitter
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James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
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Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
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Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
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Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
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Z-factor, Twitter.
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Aaron, comedy.co.uk
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Aiden Hearn, Twitter
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12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
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Al Murray, Comedian
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Anamatronix, Youtube
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Chez, Chortle.com
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Pnethor, pne-online.com
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Funday’schild, youtube.
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Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
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A D Ward, Twitter
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Mearecate, Youtube
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Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
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Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
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Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
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Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
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Jackmumf, Twitter
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Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
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Fairy Pingu, Twitter
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Frankie Boyle, Comedian
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Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
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Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
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Leach Juice, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
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Tokyofist, Youtube
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Liam Travitt, Twitter
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Emilyistrendy, Youtube
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Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
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Brighton Argus
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Tin Frog, Twitter
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Pudabaya, Twitter
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Jamespearse, Twitter
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Robert Gavin, Twitter
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Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
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Mini-x2, readytogo.net
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Fowkes81, Twitter
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Birmingham Sunday Mercury
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Hiewy, Youtube
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Iain, eatenbymissionaries
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Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
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Joe, Independent.co.uk
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Contrapuntal, Twitter
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Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
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Gabrielle, Chortle.com
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Sidsings000, Youtube
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Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
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Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
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Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
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Zombie Hamster, Twitter
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John Robins, Comedian
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Etienne, Chortle.com
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Shit Crit, Twitter
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Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
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Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
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Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
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Carcrazychica, Youtube
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Cyberbloke, Twitter
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Foxfoxton, Youtube
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FBC, finalgear.com
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Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
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Wharto15, Twitter