Cheap Channel 4 Television lifestyle shows espouse the benefits of leaving the stinky city, with its failing schools and stabby schoolchildren, and moving to the countryside, a bucolic idyll where everyone is happy and you can catch and eat your own hedgehogs.
And I love the countryside. Two or three weekends a year I still find time for three or four day walks along national trails between real ale filled gastro-pubs. I am rarely happier than when surveying the rolling green of Gloucestershire, Herefordshire, Worcestershire and Wales. I even like Morris dancing. But I live in London. As everyone should, for a bit at least.
I went there in 1989 to seize life by the lapels, to see musicians from all over the world playing within spitting distance, to wallow in all-night weird cinema at The Scala, to eat Turkish banquets in Dalston dives in the small hours, to grapple with the biggest comedy scene in the country from the ground floor upwards, to suck inspiration from the galleries and museums, to browse Camden market record stalls racked with unknown names, and to walk over Waterloo bridge at 4 a.m drunk looking at historical landmarks reflected in the rippling river.
In Solihull where I grew up, in the Seventies still almost a country town on the fringe of the Birmingham conurbation, we had a sixties concrete square with some fountains, and sometimes bands played in the Scout hut. Even billeted in a shared house in Acton, where wind blew plastic bags through the deserted and all but derelict shopping precinct, the big city was a blast.
But now I’m forty-two, a father. It’s comforting to know that culture is within arm’s length, should we ever find time to reach out and fondle it, but increasingly, the idea of shops and services being but a few minutes’ easy drive, rather than out of sight, at the end of a massive negotiation involving traffic flow analysis or arcane levels of public transport expertise, seems incredibly attractive.
And the idea that your kids could just go to a school, rather than being unwillingly involved in a conscience-shredding decision process involving analysis of Offstead reports and the study of newspaper stories of playground murders holds an undeniable charm.
But can I go? Is it ethical to come to the city at twenty-one, suck it dry for experiences, and then split as soon as you just want to do some convenient shopping and not have your children killed? And what of those who weakened, and left, the ‘dear departed’, as I call them? They put a brave face on it, the former city dwellers, decamped to the borderlands.
But they want you to come and stay, so desperately, to bring news. Once, winding down in the hotel bar of a rural market town after a stand-up show in some half full arts centre, I was surrounded by escapees, internet drones working from their stonewalled homes, buying me pint after pint in exchange for the opportunity to reminisce about the city.
Their kids played in fields, and were not required to be armed, and they ate home slaughtered meat from the farmer’s freezer. But these were desperate people. Healthy, happy, economically secure, terrified, bored and mad, like polar bears pacing an inappropriately small enclosure, pawing at their own flanks.
Once I went walking on a largely uninhabited Hebridean island. The man who drove the mini-bus that picked you up from the quay, after a trip across the sound on a small boat that was buffeted by a basking shark, told me that there were two pubs on the Island. Or at least there had been.
One was on its last legs, after the owner had said or done something to alienate his slender customer base, now decamped en masse to the competition. This was the countryside, the non-city, where one stray remark would wreck you forever, an occupational hazard for a man like me, a stand-up comedian, paid, essentially, to behave inappropriately.
Once I was playing a plucky comedy club that ran in a room above an isolated Peak District pub. In the bar afterwards, a local who had visited London remarked disparagingly on its unfriendliness. No-one knew anyone, or said good morning.
Thank god, I thought. To be anonymous in a crowd. To be where nobody knows your name. Perhaps I’ll stay.
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
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Dick Socrates, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
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Peter Ould, Twitter
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Funday’schild, youtube.
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com