I’ve been in London twenty-two years now. I came here to try and be a stand-up in the year 17 BM (Before Macintyre, 1989 Common Era). There was no-where else to do it. Asked what I loved about London then I’d have said music and comedy venues, and second hand book and record shops. But we collector scum have moved on-line, and with kids culture’s not easily consumable anymore.
With the inconvenience of everyday London life, what’s left to like? After nearly a quarter of a century living in a two thousand year old settlement, everywhere is alive with shared history and personal memory in a way that no other city will ever be for me.
Sitting on the top deck and looking around, I can even get a temporally shifted buzz off a bus journey, so here’s a best of London that’s about people and places, not restaurants and retail outlets.
1) Arthur Machen.
The 19th century Welsh mystic lived and wrote in London from the 1880s onwards, and was strangely fascinated by the idea that the city’s emerging residential districts were magical zones where reality was somehow thin.
The Green Round (1933) renders everything in a five mile radius of Pentonville Road disturbingly opaque. N (1935) will make you doubt the very existence of Stoke Newington.
2) Arthur Smith’s Balham.
The comedian and dada-ist proclaimed himself the unofficial mayor of Balham in the 1980s, and brought the area to life with piquant detail in his shows and writings.
Because of Arthur, when I am required to visit Balham, the experience seems vividly absurd and Ducane Court, the art deco apartment block where Arthur’s adventures begin, seems no more real than Hogwarts.
3) The Astoria, Charing Cross Road.
Many of the people I saw here – Kurt Cobain, David McComb of The Triffids, Grant McLennan of The Go-Betweens, Jeff Buckley and The Fall’s Mark E Smith – are no longer with us, but the sticky nostalgia vortex’s richly deserved obliteration somehow makes their memories more vibrant every time I cough through the dust of the perpetual building site The Astoria has become.
4) William Blake.
Read Ackroyd’s Blake biography alongside the poems and you can get visionary all over London. Blake was baptized at St James’ Church, Piccadilly in 1757.
Run your fingers round the very Grinling Gibbons font in which baby William splashed.
5) Bowman’s Place, Holloway.
There’s a perfunctory plaque to Edward Lear, who wrote The Owl and The Pussycat and was born here in 1812, up this rubbish strewn alleyway at the Nag’s Head crossroads.
There’s so many London literary associations most are barely celebrated, making the rest of the UK, especially Scotland, seem desperate; “Samuel Johnson shat here c 1773. Buy souvenir tea towel, £10.”
6) The Fox Reformed, Stoke Newington Church Street, N16.
Edgar Allen Poe went to school in this wine bar, Daniel Defoe lived over the road above the mini-cab office, and the grave of Coleridge’s confidant Anna Laetitia Barbauld nudges out of the nettles five hundred yards West.
I walk past them all every day and thank God I no longer live in Solihull, where a parking meter Bev Bevan once used in is the local museum.
7) The Winchester pub on Essex Road, Islington.
In the 1980s and the 1990s this was the considerably scruffier but infinitely nicer Market Tavern, with its cellar of almost nightly comedy gigs.
In 1990 I joined a new material night that included the then unknown Eddie Izzard, Patrick Marber, Jo Brand, and Alan Davies and went to Pizza Express afterwards where Jo somehow placated the manager after I accidentally broke a marble table-top.
I was there for Izzard’s first transvestite performance and Johnny Vegas’ first London gigs. Comedy history was in the making and we thought it was just business as usual.
8) The Box, Walker’s Court, Soho.
In 1990, back when this was The Raymond Revue Bar, Izzard used to run a gig alongside the sex shows in another room. One night I arrived early and the dressing room was full of buff naked guys masturbating their penises into legally permissible states of arousal.
And that was just Ivor Dembina, Roger Mann and Simon Munnery!
Walking under the fake Venetian bridge of Walker’s Court always makes me remember that moment. It was everything my Gran feared would happen when I ran away to London to be in showbiz.
9) The Red Rose, Seven Sisters’ Road.
For twenty years the back room of this working men’s club was a great comedy venue, and also home to experimental music nights Back In Your Town and Mopomoso, which brought in free jazz improvisers from all over the world.
I saw Sunny Murray play drums in Seven Sisters! A few years back all the Red Rose gigs got kicked out for a snooker hall. Despite official indifference, London’s the best city in the world for improvised music and the closure of your local experimental music gig usually presages irreversible gentrification, as the bohos who made the area fly get forced out by weekend beatniks.
Stoke Newington’s Vortex went down to Gilette Square when it became a Nandos, and The Spitz got squeezed out of Spittalfields. At Dalston Junction, Café Oto flies the flag, programming world class events without a sniff of funding.
It’s one of the reasons I’m still here.
10) Time Out.
Coming to London from the midlands in the Eighties, Time Out was a lexicon of life-changing possibilities, and the thoroughness of its comedy listings section, the nation’s first ever, made London the stand-up comedy capital of the world and helped legitimize the scene.
And the first time you got your name in the small print, you felt like it was the start of something.
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube