In March this year a cheap Channel 4 clip show, The 100 Best Stand-Up Comedians Ever, placed me at number 41, sandwiched in-between Johnny Vegas and Dara O’Brien. This was a hugely flattering position to find oneself in, if something of a tight squeeze. But unfortunately, it was a result of a public vote, and you, the public, consistently vote ‘Del Boy falling through the bar on Only Fools And Horses’ as the funniest TV moment ever, and are therefore not to be trusted. The only people who know less about stand-up than the public are critics. So here are some tips for the nation’s stand-up comedy reviewers.
1) When a comedian makes fun of a bald man in the audience it is probably not as spontaneous as you may imagine. Do not embarass yourself by describing a comedian saying ‘Did you get that jumper for Christmas?’as a ‘Coltrane-like moment of improvisational genius’.
2) Rock and pop critics with no ear for music review rock and pop music in terms of its lyrical content or imagined cultural significance, rather than its actual sound. Likewise, comedy critics, with no ear for comedy, often focus on the subject matter of stand-up routines, at the expense of rhythm or shifts of tone and pace. But we have all seen stand-up that is distinguised merely by its subject matter, with nothing stylistic to offer. It is Ben Elton’s last TV series, Get A Grip, and I bet you didn’t like that either, did you, critic?
3) Try to review the show itself, not the response in the room. Many comedy critics, with no working knowledge of stand-up, will review a show based on how it was received by the audience on the night, as if they were some kind of critics’ focus group. But just because a comedian gets no laughs doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t any good. Can you see through this? Or will you have to reasses your opinion of the act when they become massive and play to laughing arenas by writing a review that begins, “You know, I am coming round to Steve Naughty…”
4) Please bear in mind that Bill Hicks was not the first person to speak into a microphone about sex and politics. Do not use him as a point of comparison for all other stand-ups. Working stand-ups see hundreds of comedians ever year, and are more likely to learn from them in real time than they are from listening to old stand-up records. That’s your job. Because you are a loser.
5) Finally, do not try to get my attention by giving me a bad review because you are involved in an Oedipal power struggle with me due to having been obsessed with me as a teenager, and are now ashamed of your adolescent former self. I never even knew you loved me, and I forgive you your betrayal.
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
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Mpf1947, Youtube
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Clampdown59, Twitter.
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Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
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Anamatronix, Youtube
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Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
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Chez, Chortle.com
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
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Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
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Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
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Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
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Peter Ould, Youtube
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World Without End, Twitter
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Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
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Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
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Slothy Matt, Twitter
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Contrapuntal, Twitter
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Idrie, Youtube
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Bosco239, youtube
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Al Murray, Comedian
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
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Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
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Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
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Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
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DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
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Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
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Cyberbloke, Twitter
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Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
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Lents, redandwhitekop.com
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Pnethor, pne-online.com
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Robert Gavin, Twitter
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Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
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Peter Ould, Twitter
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Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
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Tres Ryan, Twitter
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Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
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Z-factor, Twitter.
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Funday’schild, youtube.
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Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
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Sweeping Curves, Twitter
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Rubyshoes, Twitter
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Kozzy06, Youtube
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Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
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Mrdavisn01, Twitter
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Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
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Microcuts 22, Twitter
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Borathigh5, Youtube
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Joe, Independent.co.uk
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Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
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Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
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Danazawa, Youtube
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General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
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12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
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Birmingham Sunday Mercury
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Len Firewood, Twitter
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Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
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Mini-x2, readytogo.net
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Sidsings000, Youtube
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Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
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Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
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Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
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Fowkes81, Twitter
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FBC, finalgear.com
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
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Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
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Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
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Frankie Boyle, Comedian
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Mearecate, Youtube
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Carcrazychica, Youtube
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Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
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Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
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Etienne, Chortle.com
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Pudabaya, Twitter
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Stuart, Chortle
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
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Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
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Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
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GRTak, finalgear.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
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Stokeylitfest, Twitter
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Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
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Foxfoxton, Youtube
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Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
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A D Ward, Twitter
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Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
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Keilloh, Twitter
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Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
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Zombie Hamster, Twitter
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Anon, westhamonline.com
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Gabrielle, Chortle.com
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98rosjon, Twitter
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Horatio Melvin, Twitter
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Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
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Dick Socrates, Twitter
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Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter