Hibernation is over! Outside our front window, sex workers comfort strangers again, and opposite Sainsbury’s men fight with their shirts off, like boar or rutting stags, arousing passing women, loveless for too long in lockdown. And in Parliament Square, Winston Churchill emerges from his winter wooden box, snuffling the virus-free air like a cocaine groundhog. It’s past midsummer, and spring has finally sprung.
By a strange coincidence, I actually saw the controversial statue of controversial Winston Churchill unveiled. It was November 1973, I was five years old, my mum had taken me to London for the first time, and we stumbled into the ceremony. A friendly man put me on his shoulders, unimaginable today, not least because I am now too heavy to go on some waterslides. At the time, I did think it was odd that he made me sit facing him. Edward Heath appeared to salute us.
Ever since then I have been fascinated by the statue’s creator, Ivor Roberts-Jones, who incorporated bulky abstraction into Churchill’s historical reality, the image both mythic and figurative, an impression of Churchill that neither endorses nor condemns him. I believe I observed this to the stranger whose shoulders I sat on during the unveiling, but to no avail, as my thighs were clamped over his ears.
For me, the statue is a marker in the sands of time. So, on the last Friday evening before the prime minister reduced the 2-metre rule, and in the week of my late mother’s birthday, I decided to walk 16 memorial miles to and from the statue we saw unveiled together, through the now-silent city that first bustled in my brain in 1973. I still think Roberts-Jones’s Churchill statue is a brilliant work. I also think some things Churchill said are racist.
In 1937, Churchill explained: “I do not admit that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. A stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race, to put it that way, has come in and taken their place.” Perhaps today Churchill would have floated the idea that “taking a knee” was from Game of Thrones, like the sadly mistaken Dominic Raab, a man who expresses his opinions with the caution of a terrorist strapping an explosive to a dog and shooing it into a crowded market?
To be fair, in the 1970s, even my gran probably thought much the same thing as Churchill, though she never had the opportunity to put her philosophy into action, beyond turning off a 1974 edition of Top of the Pops when Ken Boothe sang Everything I Own. It should be noted, for balance, she hated all continental Europeans too, on account of their toilets, which were just filthy holes in the floor.
Should the Churchill statue stay? Our prime minister says efforts to remove statues are “a great lie, a distortion of our history – like some public figure furtively trying to make themselves look better by editing their own Wikipedia entry”. This is an idea the prime minister would understand well, as his handler Dominic Cumming’s old blogs were recently altered to make it look as if he had predicted the coronavirus in 2019, and the last Conservative election campaign used re-edited news footage to discredit Keir Starmer. Some distortions of history don’t matter.
In 1973, my mum was listening to Neil Diamond’s soundtrack to Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which is about a seagull who, instead of stealing chips and shitting everywhere, is a metaphor for something. I resolved, once I had reached my destination, to mount a copy of its sleeve on the wooden crate surrounding the statue. I scanned the album cover but I couldn’t print it as there were no HP 304 printer cartridges left in the whole world. So I drew a scale copy in felt pen, attempting to blend abstraction with reality in the fashion of Ivor Roberts-Jones himself. Then I set off, Sellotape ™ ® in pocket, on my two-hour twilight trek to Parliament Square, my seashore sunset Neil Diamond silhouette looking more like a sickly mantis crouching over a puddle of urine.
Perhaps the answer is not to tear down the statues that offend us, but to supplement them with others that more accurately reflect modern British life. Perhaps Parliament Square is the place for a statue of Marcus Rashford, raised like me by a single mother, and thus in the prime minister’s words “ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate”, who forced a government U-turn on free school meals? Or of the Black Lives Matter protester Patrick Hutchinson, who scooped up a fallen counter-demonstrator and saved his life?
Some Conservative MPs made an equivalence between the largely peaceful Black Lives Matter protests and the following weekend’s coke-and-boozed fuelled fascist riot of misspelled flags and racist polyphony. In the interests of balance, should the square also feature a marble effigy of Andrew Banks, the football fan who urinated next to a policeman’s memorial? Banks could be rendered in the form of Jérôme Duquesnoy the Elder’s Manneken Pis, tinkling sombrely for all eternity, perhaps into the face of Churchill himself.
When I arrived at the statue the boards had already been taken down, and I sat and stared at it, secretly relieved I wasn’t obliged to enact my ritual. It seemed the folded Diamond drawing had fallen out of my pocket somewhere anyway. I started walking home through Covent Garden. A pub was serving takeaways through a window so I had my first proper pint for three months and drank it alone, high on unfamiliar exercise endorphins and cold beer, staring up through the midsummer twilight at the architecture of the Masonic Temple. When I was a boy, it was the source of the small charity bursary my mother secured, for “orphans, waifs and strays”. I don’t suppose that Churchill statue will ever mean to anyone else what it now means to me.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter