Rebekah Brooks: overcome by the Utopian dream? Photograph: Carl Court/AFP/Getty Images
There has been much inappropriate, salacious, and opportunistic speculation about the exact nature of the withheld communications between the former News International redhead Rebekah Brooks and the current Conservative party brownhead David Cameron, much of it in extremely dubious taste. I doubt, for example, whether the self-styled grand inquisitor Tom Watson MP would be pleased were someone to make public all his private business messages to the gravy girls at his local branch of The Gourmet Meat Pie Emporium! But unlike Watson, my main interest in the Brooks-Cameron messages is not political, or prurient, but linguistic and literary.
Admittedly, it is possible that, were the full texts of the pair’s missives to be brought to light, public confidence in Cameron would be destroyed for ever and the government would collapse, leaving a gaping power vacuum into which Ed Miliband might find himself tumbling, with all the undeniable historical impact of a damp sock falling into a deep trench latrine. But for me, what posterity will choose to preserve from the dialogues is Brooks’s response to Cameron’s 2009 Conservative party conference pep talk: “Brilliant speech. I cried twice. Will love ‘working together’.” The pellucid message fascinates, dazzling in its mystery, possessed of a bluntly opaque poetry, and will continue to resonate long after the star-cross’d pair themselves have completed their fearful passage, and death lies upon them like an untimely frost. Consider.
Brooks’s unusual use of apostrophes, rather than quotation marks, around the words “working together” appears to suggest that Brooks’s idea of her and Cameron ‘working together’ has some entirely different and privately understood meaning from the normal idea of “working together”. Would italics have helped? Could Brooks and Cameron have been planning to be ‘working together’? Or were they going to be ‘working together‘? Or, worse still, ‘working together‘?
Perhaps the much-quoted phrase from the duo’s original communique cache, “country supper”, as in “I do understand the issue with the Times. Let’s discuss over a country supper soon”, should also have had apostrophes around it, or have been in italics? Would “Let’s discuss over a ‘country supper‘ soon” have done more, or less, to inflame the suspicions of Watson’s puritanical leftwing cabal? Its presumably deliberate echoes of Hamlet’s lecherous pursuit of “country matters” would certainly not be lost on the Eton-educated Cameron. Rhythmically and dramatically, the substitution is almost too perfect.
Hamlet : Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Ophelia : No, my lord.
Hamlet : I mean my head upon your lap.
Ophelia : Aye, my lord.
Hamlet : Or did you think I meant country suppers?
(Hamlet, Act III, Sc ii)
Elsewhere in the message’s nine words, Brooks brilliantly and economically evokes the idea of the uncontrolled emotion Cameron’s egalitarian political vision inspires in her. “I cried twice.”
Twice! Brooks cried twice. The weeping did not begin and then eventually subside, like the snotty bawling of a young foolish girl attending a Russell Brand gig, or officiating the back-garden shoebox funeral of a beloved hamster. No. The weeping began, was contained by sheer force of will, and then the undeniable power of Cameron’s crazy utopian dream of Privilege For All overcame Brooks a second time, like an enormous yes.
Make no mistake, Brooks seems to say, this was not some easily won epiphany, like the gut animal reaction to cheap music or cheap perfume, but the unwanted outcome of a struggle for self-control that failed, against Brooks’s will, and then failed again. It was a Fifty Shades of Grey-style tussle with unbidden idealistic desires, that nonetheless found their way to the heroine’s unwilling and wounded heart. If I might be so bold, the sentiment could only have been more dramatic had Brooks expressed it thus: “I cried. Twice.” But journalists are trained to write in sentences.
Cameron knows this. And so does Brooks. And for Brooks to break so boldly a fixed professional and grammatical law would perhaps have betrayed the pair far more convincingly that any amount of clanking innuendo about the riding of disobedient horses.
Time passes. We drive our carts and our plows over the bones of the dead. Leveson recedes into the memory fog. Now Savile looms aloft like Whitby Dracula newly transported in Transylvanian coffin dust, and other figures take shape in the mist, drawing the eye from country suppers. The air changes to soundless damage. Cameron will leave no legacy, and Brooks will be a stain upon the saddle of time’s swift stallion, no more. But choice phrases often linger long after the names of those who uttered them are forgotten: “It’s black over Bill’s mother’s”; “Oh! Oh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly!”; “That’s you that is”; and the immortal “I cried twice.” Brooks’ words will ring down the ages, divorced from the speaker and her addressee, but emblazoned as the new gold standard of emotional veracity. The News of the World is gone and the coalition will collapse. What will survive of us is love.
Stewart Lee’s DVD Carpet Remnant World is released on Monday
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk