On 23 March 2020, 74 days after China declared coronavirus to the WHO, Britain went into lockdown. In the interim Boris “I Shook Hands With Everyone” Johnson had ignored emails about a Europe-wide PPE purchasing scheme; ignored experts’ recommendations to close pubs and restaurants; taken a holiday in Kent, back before it became clogged with lorry drivers’ faeces; got divorced from his second wife whom he had repeatedly cheated on, including, according to her testimony at least, with a handsomely publicly remunerated tech adviser; ignored further expert advice to close schools; endorsed the idea of herd immunity; announced his engagement to an environmentally concerned refurbishing enthusiast; skipped five successive Cobra meetings; shaken hands with everybody in a hospital; advised hand-washing; joined 82,000 rugby fans in Twickenham; ignored further lockdown calls in early March; made international sports fans mingle in Cheltenham and Liverpool; abandoned contact tracing; allowed people into the country unchecked from virus hotspots; told NHS staff to wear less of the PPE he declined to order earlier; hosted a shower for his latest baby two days before telling people to reduce social contact; herded 5,000 Stereophonics fans into the killing ground of Cardiff Arena; finally told people not to go to pubs and venues but didn’t say that pubs and venues should close, a period now known as Schrödinger’s British Hospitality Industry; and then sent coronavirus-ridden patients back to the petri dishes of their care homes.
But last Tuesday, when Dominic Yateswinelodge from the Metro asked Shake Hands live on TV: “When the time comes to describe this period to future generations, how will we explain how Britain suffered the highest death toll in Europe and the deepest recession?”, Boris Herd Immunity Johnson replied: “About aaah about aah you know your sort of league table question I I I you know I think I mean I er respectfully er go back to the answer you would have heard from the podium many times which is that the er the er the the pandemic is er alas tragically is not over yet er across the world and we will continue to er protect everyone is er to the to the er to the best of to the best of our abilities. This this this is not over and I think the international comparisons are are are premature at this stage.”
Premature international comparisons have, however, been useful to the Brexit-Covid government in extolling the superiority of our own vaccine rollout. And our dubiously awarded and criminally useless £37bn track-and-trace system was famously and falsely designated “world-beating”. It appears international comparisons must only be applied where they favour our nation. Nonetheless, Shake Hands’s answer seized the punch-drunk public’s imagination. By seven that evening, his answer, now known as the “About Aaah About Aah You Know Your Sort of League Table Question I I I You Know I Think I Mean I Er Respectfully Er” speech, had already dislodged Earl Spencer’s Princess Diana Funeral Oration from the No 1 spot of an online League Table of the Greatest Speechifying of All Time. This was ironic, given that the clear thrust of the speech was to discredit the idea of league tables and of the notion that anything should be compared with anything else generally. But memes swiftly developed, including re-edited footage of Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream address, appearing to show him declaring: “About aaah about aah you know your sort of league table question I I I you know I think I mean I er respectfully er.”
But those who had already voted for “About Aaah About Aah You Know… ” were, like international comparisons, premature. Dominic from the Metro then asked Shake Hands: “People who own holiday homes overseas, such as your father for instance, will be exempted from the travel ban affecting everyone else. Would you advise people to buy a second home abroad if they want to have a holiday this year?” In two simple, sarcastic sentences, the humble Metro scribe had Zoomed Shake Hands to the floor. But he had reckoned without our leader’s mastery of deliberately incoherent speechifying.
“And on your point really about global ah ah travel and ah and ah holidays ah,” Shake Hands speechified, “a lot of people do want to know about um er er what’s going to happen on the on the on the holiday front and um er I er I I I know there’s a a a great deal of er curiosity and interest… Er er ab ab we’ve heard already that there are er er other European countries where the disease is now rising so things certainly look difficult for the for the er time being er but we we’ll be we’ll be able to say more er we hope in a few days time. I certainly I certainly hope to be er saying some more by 5 April and and er er I think that’s the best you can hope for there.”
The main thrust of the question had been totally ignored. The Zoom format saw poor Dominic’s window swiftly shut before he could point this out and cunning Shake Hands’s calculated ineloquence had successfully created the illusion that something, of some sort, had been said. Time had passed. And the speech now known as “Er Er Ab Ab We’ve Heard Already That There Are Er Er” swiftly replaced “About Aaah About Aah You Know Your Sort of League Table Question I I I You Know I Think I Mean I Er Respectfully Er” at the top of the speechifying league tables. The vaccine rollout continues. As does the whitewash rollout, all but unchallenged. Which will be the Brexit-Covid government’s greatest triumph?
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv