Have you heard the one about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? There was this man, right, who needed a password eight characters long, and… and then he went and gave away the punchline before he’d done the set-up.
I’m hopeless at jokes. I told one to my children the other day that got a laugh, but for the wrong reason, because they’d heard the correct version before. “What’s the secret of timing a joke?” I said. “No, wait, that doesn’t sound right…”
So I’ll try again. As is traditional at this time of year, the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe has been named. Written by the comedian Nick Helm, it goes like this: “I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’.” The second-best joke this year was written by the man who wrote the best joke last year, Tim Vine: “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
Yet as Evan Davis and Justin Webb showed on Today when they took it in turns to read out the winner and runner-up, these things are so subjective that it is meaningless to try to judge them. They both thought a gag about the Greek economy that a listener had sent in (it involved taramasalata, hummus and a double dip) was better.
Even worse than judging jokes is trying to analyse them, an exercise Woody Allen satirises in Crimes and Misdemeanours. His character has an annoyingly unfunny brother-in-law, played by Alan Alda, who keeps saying: “If it bends, it’s funny; if it breaks, it’s not funny.”
Yet despite the obvious danger of murdering in order to dissect, trying to work out a formula for funniness seems to obsess comedians. I once interviewed Bob Monkhouse who, on a summer afternoon in his garden in Bedfordshire, gave me a masterclass in how to tell a joke, talking me through the principles of timing, “the rule of three”, and the Arthur Askey “check step” you should take before delivering your “topper”. He also told me that the joke he was most proud of was: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.” The reason? Economy.
The heir to Monkhouse, though he probably won’t thank me for saying so, is Jimmy Carr, a Cambridge graduate who has written a semi-academic book on joke-telling. And the latest comedian to do something similar is Stewart Lee, an Oxford graduate whose strange and brilliant memoir, How I Escaped My Certain Fate, has just been published in paperback. In it, he deconstructs his own stand-up routine using footnotes, explaining why he creates tension here, cuts the audience some slack there.
I blame the German philosophers, who couldn’t bear to leave comedy alone, either. Kant would write dusty observations such as: “Laughter is an effect that arises if a tense expectation is transformed into nothing.”
Fortunately, most of us can get through life without either analysing jokes or telling them in public. About the only time we men have to do it is when we’re made best man. In this respect, a friend of mine, a garden historian, had the worst gig ever. He was best man to Stewart Lee, and the cream of the British comedy world was in his audience. He thought it went well. They seemed to laugh in the right places. But as he was walking back to his seat, he overheard someone ask Harry Hill what he thought of the speech. He gave a one-word answer: “Long.”
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy