Until Time Out e-mailed me asking me to write something on ‘why people should avoid the world cup’ I wasn’t even sure that it was the World Cup this year, and I assumed all the England flags I see flapping out of windows indicated the presence of proud BNP supporters. I am not interested in Soccer. I could never get through the ugly outer layers of the culture of soccer, through to the soccer itself. To me, soccer’s always seemed nasty.
I’m happy to accept that my experiences are subjective but when I was a teenager, no self-respecting Brummie ever went to see some soccer without a bunch of bananas to hurl at black players; in 1982 I was beaten to the ground with a rolled umbrella in a shopping centre when I was unable to tell some angry soccer enthusiasts which soccer team I supported; I had a Stanley knife held at my throat by soccer fans in a similar exchange on a canal tow path in 1987; and in the Summer of 1972 my grand-dad called me a ‘nancy boy’ when I eschewed soccer to stay inside drawing comics. Despite its claims towards sporting nobility, soccer always seems to encourage the worst aspects of human behaviour – racism, homophobia, slashed horses, sectarianism, violence, hotel room gang rapes, Nick Hornby novels, and David Baddiel singing.
As I slot in Edinburgh previews for the next few months, comedy club promoters are warning me that my shows fall on World Cup Soccer nights, but I expect the evenings will be better for it. Since Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s Fantasy Football, and their soccer single Three Lions, opened the floodgates in the mid-90s, there have been too many soccer fans in comedy audiences anyway, lowering the tone, so maybe the lure of watching World Soccer Cup will merely purge the audience of these thugs, with their noise and their gestures.
I remain resolutely unable to see the appeal of Soccer, but things have a way of coming back to bite you. The woman at my three year old’s playgroup says he is very good with a ball, and people recommend enrolling him in some kind of soccer classes. So that’ll be me, standing on the grass by the white painted stripe, cheering, beaten into submission at last, love and biological loyalty achieving what the rolled umbrella and the Stanley knife could not.
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com