Last weekend I found myself trapped on an isolated, monster-infested Pacific atoll with a pair of twin psychic Japanese schoolgirls. A skyscraper-sized lizard, with three fire-breathing heads, the result of careless radioactive experiments in the 50s, and now a huge clumsy metaphor for both the dangers of human scientific meddling with Mother Nature and postwar Japanese identity anxiety, had cornered us in a cave on the beach.
My new friends Lora and Moll hoped to summon to our aid a gigantic moth, with roughly the dimensions of an airship, over which they exercised a strange interspecies erotic sway. Anticipating this titanic struggle of equally matched opponents, each driven by blind instinct and insensible to reason, my thoughts naturally turned to June’s forthcoming Brexit vote.
Arguments about Brexit are tearing my family apart. In March, drunk in the late dark, and loose on the internet, I had ordered a European flag from Amazon, intending to fly it from the roof come the week of the Eurovote so as to annoy any divs living locally.
But I forgot about the flag and left it on the sofa and now the cat has taken to sleeping under it. Which is odd, as previously he was an avowed Eurosceptic, and would hiss aggressively whenever I put any European free jazz on the stereo. Indeed, we have on occasion used Günter “Baby” Sommer’s Hörmusik solo percussion album to drive him from the room when he made a smell.
In a heated late-night, pro-European argument with my pro-Brexit stepbrother two weeks ago, I used the contented cat’s obvious happiness underneath the European flag to show him how Europe could shelter and comfort us, like cats under a flag. My stepbrother, brilliantly, snatched the European flag off the cat’s back, to show how the creature, and by association the nation, was quite capable of functioning without the embrace of Europe. I think this is an example of the kind of easy-to-understand argument the British public claim has been denied them in favour of tedious figures and facts about trade, environmental legislation, human rights and immigration.
The cat looked annoyed and eyed both of us with resentment. Already, the Brexit debate is tearing families apart, stepbrother against stepbrother, stepbrother against stepbrother-in-law, stepbrother-in-law against stepcat. “Shouldn’t you be in Japan by now, anyway?” he said, throwing my flag on the fire.
A few days later I arrived in the so-called Land of the Rising Sun for a meeting with the famous Studio Haino, who had begun work on an anime version of my multiple Bafta- and British comedy award-winning BBC2 series, Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, which they believed would play well with young Asian hipsters, jaded geisha and disillusioned samurai.
Because Fuck! Stewart Lee Pee-pee Charabanc (the literal Japanese translation of Studio Haino’s new title for the show) was already expected to be a big hit, various merchandise spinoffs were almost up and running. A string of love beads, each sporting a different picture of my face, is already available in Japanese adult stores.
And since January I have been wearing four or five new pairs of pants a day, all of which will eventually take pride of place, when suitably soiled, in vending machines on the streets of Tokyo’s most fashionable districts.
My wife, of course, finds this turn of events ridiculous, but she will be laughing on the other side of her stupid face when the flyblown briefs she currently uses as dishcloths become priceless collector’s items.
And, in the increasingly likely event of a British Brexit, the sale of these fetishised items will then fund our family’s relocation to the newly independent free Scotland, from where I will harry the airwaves of England and Wales with liberally biased leftwing satire, the Lord Haw Haw of sparkling wine socialism.
In retrospect, the scrum of the Scottish independence referendum looks dignified compared to the dirty war of Brexit. In Scotland, politicians on both sides of the divide at least seemed sincere in their beliefs, rather than selfishly using the nation’s concerns about its future to try and secure theirs.
Indeed, the day when Boris Johnson cynically accused the pro-Europe and “part-Kenyan” President Obama of being ancestrally ill-disposed towards Britain marks the moment at which the mayor of London changed from being merely a twat, into a full-blown c**t.
It is appropriate to describe Boris with pure witless swearing, for that is all he deserves. He is of a political class where any insult, no matter how vicious, is acceptable, if it is delivered with the rhetorical flourishes and classical allusions of the public-school debating society. Hence, Cameron can scornfully sneer at Jeremy Corbyn, and describe Dennis Skinner as a dinosaur, yet the venerable beast himself is dismissed from the house when he calls Cameron merely “dodgy”.
The problem for the pro-Europe voter currently is that, while obviously despising Cameron as both a person and a politician, one nonetheless wants him to prevail over Boris, Gove, Iain Duncan Smith and the Brexit camp. And as the giant moth arrived above the beach, momentarily blocking out the Japanese sun itself, and set about the three-headed lizard with electric rays from its head, I continued to ponder the Brexit campaign.
“Did he who made the lamb make thee?”, asks William Blake of The Tyger. It was instinct that drove the moth and the lizard to fight, not ethics. They were as they were. Likewise, Boris’s Brexit position represents only a fight for personal betterment, not a considered view on Europe.
There is an African fly that lays its eggs in the jelly of children’s eyes, the hatching larvae blinding them by feeding on the eye itself. But the fly has no quarrel with the child. It is merely following its nature.
Likewise Boris, a vile grub laying his horrible eggs in the soft jelly of the EU debate, has no agenda beyond his own advancement. He believes in nothing, and neither does his spiritual soulmate, the eye-scoffing African fly.
We cowered in our cave, the twins and I, and watched the combat of the monsters. The honest open war of the giant moth and three-headed lizard made prime minister’s questions seem contrived and banal. The earth shook beneath their feet, triggering tidal waves and rivers of lava from the atoll’s smouldering volcano; vast explosions of startled birds scarred the sky; the landscape cracked. There was no “Mr Speaker”, no “order order”, no classical allusion and no drawing-room wit. There was only war, terrible war.
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.