Round 1: The Five Things
1 What weighs as much as 21bn suns, is 10 times the size of our solar system, breaks down the physical laws of space and time, and can swallow itself and everything around it?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
2 The third series of BBC1’s The Impressions Show, starring Jon Culshaw and Debra Stephenson, began broadcasting in October this year, but this time around the show was forbidden from making jokes about which significant natural phenomenon?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
3 What tried to stem the departure of hundreds of thousands of loyal followers by setting the costly toby-jug-faced man Adrian Chiles free this month?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
4 What has, highly probably, had some of the drugs Nigel Kennedy was contemplating near it, been nuzzled by Metallica’s manager, and sniffed out corruption at the News of the World?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
5 What was downgraded to category CCC, the world’s lowest, following an EU/IMF audit in June this year?
a) Eamonn Holmes’s stomach
b) The newly discovered largest ever black hole, in the NGC 4889 galaxy
c) Louise Mensch’s nose
d) Greece’s sovereign debt
e) ITV’s Daybreak
Round 2: Comedians and comedy
1 Which football-loving comedian told the Archbishop of Canterbury he thought atheists were as big a threat to humanity as climate-change deniers? Frank Skinner
2 Who wrote on their website that Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear was “one of the funniest shows on TV … one of the very few programs at the Burka Broadcasting Corporation still worth seeing”? Norwegian neo-Nazi mass murderer Anders Breivik
3 Which wealthy Hollywood-based comedian spent much of the year bravely trying to reclaim the word “mong” from its apparent misuse? Ricky Gervais
4 Which beloved male American comedian was mistakenly referred to as “she” on live TV in a piece on his untimely death by the abysmal expat journo Piers Morgan? Patrice O’Neal
5 Which insolent comedian spent most of September vomiting and retching, having guzzled a cocktail of E coli, salmonella and hepatitis, while arrogantly defying nature by attempting to swim the length of the Thames out of sheer vanity? David Walliams
Round 3: The Tories
1 Which of the following has never been a nickname for chancellor George Osborne?
a) Cabin Boy George
b) Oik
c) Pencils
2 All the following politicians were members of the exclusive, room-trashing, window-smashing, student dining society the Bullingdon club. But who dismissed these escapades, while applauding zero tolerance for summer rioters, by saying: “We all do stupid things when we’re young”?
a) David Cameron
b) George Osborne
c) Boris Johnson
3 Which of the following current or former Conservative MPs has not been the victim of opportunistic late-night burglars?
a) Oliver Letwin
b) Louise Mensch
c) Liam Fox
4 Which confusing Tory MP reveals their surprising sensitivity to black American jazz and the personal struggles of its economically and socially disenfranchised proponents in a series of thoughtful documentaries on BBC Radio 4?
a) Ann Widdecombe
b) Oliver Letwin
c) Ken Clarke
5 Which Tory MP looks the most like a cross between a blinky lemur and an ambitious eel?
a) Michael Gove
b) Louise Mensch
c) George Osborne
Round 4: Rock – true or false
1 The British Museum currently displays a glazed pot depicting Mark E Smith, of Manchester rock survivors the Fall. True
2 Soon after the breakup of REM, Michael Stipe appeared on a US TV chatshow competing in a quiz alongside Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. True
3 The actor-comedian Russell Brand secretly blows into an ocarina belonging to the Amorphous Androgynous collective on Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds album. False
4 In his autobiography, Rob Brydon claims, amusingly, that he lost his virginity while listening to side two of the 1975 album Maximum Darkness by the Welsh progressive rock band Man, specifically during John Cipollina’s guitar solo on the band’s version of the folk-blues standard Codeine. False
5 Glenn Gregory, of Human League and Heaven 17, has invented a device that enables him to hack into supermarket PA systems and broadcast facetious announcements to confused shoppers. True
Round 5: Punk postmen
1 Which punk proto-goths backed postman Frank Bell on the 1979 single I’m a Cult Hero? The Cure
2 Name one of the three bands fronted by Birmingham punk legend and sometime postman Robert Lloyd. The Prefects, the Nightingales or the New Four Seasons
3 Which comedian played Manchester punk scenester John the Postman in the film 24 Hour Party People? Dave Gorman
4 Which punk postman recorded with Subway Sect? Vic Goddard
5 Which British blues guitarist, whose drunken 1976 on-stage anti-immigration rant inspired punk’s Rock Against Racism movement, once worked as a postman, delivering letters through a letterbox, rather than, as a drunk man, delivering race hatred through his mouth. Eric Clapton
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube