It was my school friend Simon Smith, perpetually and enviably ahead of the curve, who made me see the then unknown REM catch fire at a small student gig at Warwick University in 1984. And so when Simon suggested we see some ‘live art’, at the gallery in Birmingham, by a man called Anthony Howell, I said I’d go. I was sixteen and susceptible.
That night, we sat on plastic chairs in a semi-circle on the flagstones of the gallery café, around two suitcases, a small table and a wardrobe. A compact little man came out and moved the suitcases and the table around in inscrutable silence for forty minutes. Then he climbed into the wardrobe and it fell over. I was in a hot flush of embarrassed hysteria throughout, terrified I would wet my pants and shriek with laughter, puncturing the mood for the two dozen spectators. So this was the pretentious shit those middle class Guardian reading wankers I learned about in my parents’ Daily Mail were watching?
I composed myself for the second half. The art twat came out again, with his smug and insolent face, now lit only by oil lamps, and clambered noiselessly about the same furniture holding two pails of water. Howell had his impenetrably important work to do. We had been invited to watch. And this time I was spellbound, amused, moved to tears even, and converted, though into what I didn’t really know.
I never saw Antony Howell perform again, but his passable poetry washes up in second hand bookshops and he appears to have made a sideways move into Tango. Simon Smith, meanwhile, went on to head E-bay Australia, his nose for culture plugged by the stench of barbecued prawns.
I remain eternally grateful to him for that night in Birmingham. There’s no end of punters posting on-line their loathing of my work, especially when they feel out of step with the crowd. “Everyone around me was loving it,” wrote someone this Summer, “and I hated his guts.” I know how they feel. I suspect that if I had seen my current act as a younger man, its passive-aggressive monotony and veiled performance art strategies might have left me equally irritated. But I take some comfort in the fact that Table Moves, which I remember with great fondness, appeared to me too, at first, to be intolerable.
Fowkes81, Twitter
Fowkes81, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
Meninblack, Twitter
GRTak, finalgear.com
GRTak, finalgear.com
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Anonymous, The Northfield Patriot
Peter Ould, Youtube
Peter Ould, Youtube
Keilloh, Twitter
Keilloh, Twitter
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Alwyn, Digiguide.tv
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Nicetime, Guardian.co.uk
Jamespearse, Twitter
Jamespearse, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Microcuts 22, Twitter
Al Murray, Comedian
Al Murray, Comedian
Mearecate, Youtube
Mearecate, Youtube
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Brendon, Vauxhallownersnetwork.co.uk
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Spanner, dontstartmeoff.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pudabaya, beexcellenttoeachother.com
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Pirate Crocodile, Twitter
Joycey, readytogo.net
Joycey, readytogo.net
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
Rowing Rob, Guardian.co.uk
John Robins, Comedian
John Robins, Comedian
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Contrapuntal, Twitter
Rudeness, Youtube
Rudeness, Youtube
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Meanstreetelite, Peoplesrepublicofcork
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
Gmanthedemon, bbc.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
General Lurko 36, Guardian.co.uk
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Rubyshoes, Twitter
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Deepbass, Guardian.co.uk
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Stokeylitfest, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Wharto15, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Tin Frog, Twitter
Bosco239, youtube
Bosco239, youtube
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Anon, BBC Complaints Log
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Esme Folley, Actress, cellist, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Fairy Pingu, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Robert Gavin, Twitter
Borathigh5, Youtube
Borathigh5, Youtube
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Neva2busy, dontstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Anonymous, don'tstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Yukio Mishima, dontstartmeoff.com
Jackmumf, Twitter
Jackmumf, Twitter
Tokyofist, Youtube
Tokyofist, Youtube
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Joskins, Leeds Music Forum
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Secretdeveloper, Youtube
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Cojones2, Guardian.co.uk
Guest1001, Youtube
Guest1001, Youtube
Etienne, Chortle.com
Etienne, Chortle.com
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Lancethrustworthy, Youtube
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Zombie Hamster, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Shit Crit, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Sweeping Curves, Twitter
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Joe, Independent.co.uk
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
Johnny Kitkat, dontstartmeoff.com
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
James Dellingpole, Daily Telegraph
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
Shane, Beverley, Dailymail.co.uk
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
12dgdgdgdgdgdg, Youtube
Z-factor, Twitter.
Z-factor, Twitter.
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
Frankie Boyle, Comedian
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
BBC iPlayer edition of discussion of Stewart Lee on A Good Read
Pudabaya, Twitter
Pudabaya, Twitter
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Lee Mack, Mack The Life, 2012
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Liam Travitt, Twitter
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
Coxy, Dontstartmeoff.com
A D Ward, Twitter
A D Ward, Twitter
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Dave Wilson, Chortle.com
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Cyberbloke, Twitter
Richard Herring, Comedian
Richard Herring, Comedian
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeterkiryakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Tweeter Kyriakou, Twitter
Danazawa, Youtube
Danazawa, Youtube
Visualiser1, Twitter
Visualiser1, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Bobby Bhoy, Twitter
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Genghis McKahn, Guardian.co.uk
Dick Socrates, Twitter
Dick Socrates, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
DVDhth's grandparents, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Lucinda Locketts, Twitter
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Cabluigi, Guardian.co.uk
Leach Juice, Twitter
Leach Juice, Twitter
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Aaron, comedy.co.uk
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Sam Rooney, Youtube
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Alex Quarmby, Edfringe.com
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Birmingham Sunday Mercury
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Ishamayura Byrd, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Mrdavisn01, Twitter
Hiewy, Youtube
Hiewy, Youtube
Len Firewood, Twitter
Len Firewood, Twitter
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Gwaites, Digitalspy
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Guest, Dontstartmeoff.com
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Karen Laidlaw, Edfringe. com.
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Foxfoxton, Youtube
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Carla, St Albans, Dailymail.co.uk
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Lents, redandwhitekop.com
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Mini-x2, readytogo.net
Funday’schild, youtube.
Funday’schild, youtube.
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
NevW47479, UKTV.co.uk
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Emilyistrendy, Youtube
Stuart, Chortle
Stuart, Chortle
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Patrick Kavanagh, Guardian.co.uk
Peter Fears, Twitter
Peter Fears, Twitter
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Iain, eatenbymissionaries
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Neolab, Guardian.co.uk
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Aiden Hearn, Twitter
Pnethor, pne-online.com
Pnethor, pne-online.com
98rosjon, Twitter
98rosjon, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Slothy Matt, Twitter
Anon, westhamonline.com
Anon, westhamonline.com
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Dahoum, Guardian.co.uk
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Lenny Darksphere, Twitter
Anamatronix, Youtube
Anamatronix, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Idrie, Youtube
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
Henry Howard Fun, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
World Without End, Twitter
Kozzy06, Youtube
Kozzy06, Youtube
Brighton Argus
Brighton Argus
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Clampdown59, Twitter.
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Anon, dontstartmeoff.com
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Tres Ryan, Twitter
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Maninabananasuit, Guardian.co.uk
Mpf1947, Youtube
Mpf1947, Youtube
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Horatio Melvin, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Peter Ould, Twitter
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Telegraph
Chez, Chortle.com
Chez, Chortle.com
FBC, finalgear.com
FBC, finalgear.com
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Whoiscuriousgeorge, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Sidsings000, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Carcrazychica, Youtube
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Gabrielle, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Someoneyoudon'tknow, Chortle.com
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Syhr, breakbeat.co.uk
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph
Dominic Cavendish, Daily Telegraph