ON BEING LABELLED 41st BEST STANDUP - FINANCIAL TIMES & THE LIST
September 2007

In March this year a cheap Channel 4 clip show, The 100 Best Stand-Up Comedians Ever, placed me at number 41, sandwiched in-between Johnny Vegas and Dara O’Brien. This was a hugely flattering position to find oneself in, if something of a tight squeeze. But unfortunately, it was a result of a public vote, and you, the public, consistently vote ‘Del Boy falling through the bar on Only Fools And Horses’ as the funniest TV moment ever, and are therefore not to be trusted. The only people who know less about stand-up than the public are critics. So here are some tips for the nation’s stand-up comedy reviewers.

1) When a comedian makes fun of a bald man in the audience it is probably not as spontaneous as you may imagine. Do not embarass yourself by describing a comedian saying ‘Did you get that jumper for Christmas?’as a ‘Coltrane-like moment of improvisational genius’.

2) Rock and pop critics with no ear for music review rock and pop music in terms of its lyrical content or imagined cultural significance, rather than its actual sound. Likewise, comedy critics, with no ear for comedy, often focus on the subject matter of stand-up routines, at the expense of rhythm or shifts of tone and pace. But we have all seen stand-up that is distinguised merely by its subject matter, with nothing stylistic to offer. It is Ben Elton’s last TV series, Get A Grip, and I bet you didn’t like that either, did you, critic?

3) Try to review the show itself, not the response in the room. Many comedy critics, with no working knowledge of stand-up, will review a show based on how it was received by the audience on the night, as if they were some kind of critics’ focus group. But just because a comedian gets no laughs doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t any good. Can you see through this? Or will you have to reasses your opinion of the act when they become massive and play to laughing arenas by writing a review that begins, “You know, I am coming round to Steve Naughty...”

4) Please bear in mind that Bill Hicks was not the first person to speak into a microphone about sex and politics. Do not use him as a point of comparison for all other stand-ups. Working stand-ups see hundreds of comedians ever year, and are more likely to learn from them in real time than they are from listening to old stand-up records. That’s your job. Because you are a loser.

5) Finally, do not try to get my attention by giving me a bad review because you are involved in an Oedipal power struggle with me due to having been obsessed with me as a teenager, and are now ashamed of your adolescent former self. I never even knew you loved me, and I forgive you your betrayal.