LONDON LIFES 14
BINTY FROGWITCH

Binty Frogwitch lives in Chelsea and has been a Royal Dog Correspondent since the 1950’s, selling stories to The Daily Mail, ITN and Popbitch.

“I have always lived in London. I need to be at the centre of things. If an incident involving a Royal Dog occurs I have to check the facts. Hurry Binty! What is it? One of the Queen’s Corgis? Princess Anne’s Japanese Fighting Dog? Prince Harry’s Red Setter/Golden Labrador cross? (Don’t ask!) Then I deliver a more exciting version of these facts to camera outside Buckingham Palace, whilst making a face that suggests in many ways, that I pity the poor royal dogs, simply trying to go about their valuable duties, in the full glare of the press. I mean, think about it. Can it be much fun trying to cock your leg against a footman or bury your mess in the garden, knowing that over the walls of the palace, the lenses of the paparazzi are focussed on your every movement, literally?

Now, though many of us were thrilled when their romance began, and predicted great things, it was always clear to me that the very public relationship between the Queen’s two Corgis, Willy and Middy, was never going to last. It was reported earlier this month that Willy Winsor V and Middy Middy Middleton had parted. This is truly sad, as it is known the Queen had high hopes for the dogs, and was hoping to breed from them, having gone as far as rubbing Willy’s nose in Middy’s treasure-flower to try and move things along. But Willy was more interested in chasing sticks and running around the garden jumping up at butterflies!

Willy and Middy were the first of any royal Corgis to be allowed to live together publicly, and resided for the last two years at Clarence House, next door to Saint James’ Palace. Here Princess Diana’s former butler Paul Burrell drilled staff in appropriately elegant use of pooper scoopers, soda siphons and blotting paper, in order to clean up dog spillages up in corridors. Rumours that many of the servants were adpet at this already after years of waiting on HRH The Queen Mother are most certainly not true. (Is she still with us? It’s shocking, I know, but can’t remember.)

The media has been swift to blame the media in for the collapse of the relationship. But as a Royal Dog Watcher of some half a century standing, as far as I am concerned the trouble stems from the high class West End dog grooming centre Bijous. Willy and Middy were always happy here, until a naughty pug called Pelly came to have his ears ironed one day, and encouraged Willy to run off sniffing other dogs’ bottoms and rubbing himself against pillows. When a poor-quality tabloid responded to this story last week with the headline “ROYAL DOG IN SOFT FURNISHING SEX ACT. PHOTS PAGE 5”, I for one was delighted to see prime-minister Tony Blair issue an official statement on the subject.
Mr Blair’s tardiness in commenting on the execution of Saddam Hussein was widely criticised in the press, and it was marvellous to see that the PM can still make a statement swiftly when it really matters. “These two dogs should be left alone now without reams of stuff being written that I can assure you, from my experience of having fallen asleep once and dreamed that I was a dog, will be complete nonsense," he told the BBC’s Politics Show. And I agree. Must go now, I am off to do a vox pop at Battersea Dogs’ Home. “

Binty Frogwitch was talking to Stewart Lee